Review of Disturbia (2007) by Kristin E — 17 Feb 2014

Against all odds, I have been looking forward to seeing Disturbia for quite some time now. Even though it stars Shia "The Plagiarizer" LaDouche, and is directed by the genius who gave us the Michael Bay-produced film I Am Number Four, it still features a Rear Window-style premise and an endlessly intriguing title. Well, what a letdown. There's a fine line between paying homage and ripping something off, and this movie is hell and gone over that line. This is literally just a 21st century version of Rear Window, but without any suspense at all until the drastic tonal change five minutes before the movie is over. It's not good.

Disturbia stars LaDouche as a well-adjusted teenager who, in a weird turn of events, gets in a car crash that kills his dad. Fast forward one year, and he has transformed into an emo little bitch. In his latest episode, he punches a teacher in the face (the guy deserved it), and is placed under house arrest. Not like house arrest in modern times is really a punishment... hell, I know a guy who could be put under house arrest and not notice for a good week or so. But unfortunately for LaDouche, his mom (Trinity from The Matrix) is a bitch and dramatically cuts the wires of his TV (great economic decision-making there, mom... I'm sure that this one moment of in-your-face passive-aggressiveness was worth $1,000), so he has to find other ways to occupy his time. He does this by grabbing his binoculars and going full stalker on his neighbors.

Firstly, let me address the "girl next door" part of this movie. When was the last time we saw a movie where a new girl moves into town next door to the main character, and they hit it off? Oh right-- every movie ever made ever. Disturbia tries to ride a bit of originality here because of its premise (which prevents LaDouche from leaving the premises of his house), but altogether it's just way too clichéd to be passable. Nearly every line the two of them say is straight from the Teen Movie Playbook. Also, in real life, a girl would not be charmed by someone telling her what they've seen of her life via binoculars through her bedroom window. I don't know why movies like this seem to perpetuate the concept that stalking will somehow win you the girl, but believe me... this is not the case (looking at you, Edward Cullen). 99 times out of 100, Shia would have gotten slapped so hard his kids would have red cheeks. And besides, a girl falling for Shia LaDouche? That's a pretty unrealistic scenario.

Meanwhile, Stalker LaDouche is also keeping tabs on his other next-door neighbor, who may or may not be a serial killer. Spoiler alert! He's a serial killer... because we really wouldn't have a movie otherwise. But LaDouche starts suspecting him for all the wrong reasons. Hey, he happened to have a car just like the one mentioned in a news report! There's no way that could be a coincidence! And he's got all those bodies in his garage... which turned out to be a dead deer. Altogether, this is a string of way too convenient coincidences. This kid just happens to be put under house arrest, giving him a chance to spy on his neighbors, leading him to suspect one of them of being a serial killer. And he's right! Yay! So he gets his ankle bracelet taken off for good behavior! Happy ending! Yippee!

Aside from the hilariously generic ending (in which all loose ends are tied up in a record two minutes flat), there are also massive tonal shifts throughout this movie. It starts off as a pretty straightforward teen comedy, but gets weirder and darker as it progresses, suddenly morphing into straight-up Saw/Martyrs territory for the last ten minutes. Sorry... but I never expected to see a movie in which there are towers made out of Twinkies as well as decapitated, mutilated bodies stuffed into air vents. Sure, this gave me some serious chills. A lot of the movie did. But I couldn't get past the pretty obvious fact that it was just redoing Rear Window's premise with new technology and a creepier ending. Also, the neighbor just so happened to barge into LaDouche's house right at the moment where he enhances the video, showing the dead body? Yeah right.

Final Score for Disturbia: 4/10 stars. This movie is entertaining enough, and will definitely elicit some well-deserved goosebumps and nail-biting moments, but ultimately it's far too derivative and bland to have any merit of its own. Nobody in this movie is really a good actor, least of all LaDouche. And seriously... there are ten whole minutes of this movie that are nothing but him holding a baseball bat and saying "Mom?" Again, great premise-- It was cool to see this guy charge into a little shop of horrors to save his mom-- but wow, what a sloppy execution. Was it just me, or did that tunnel of dead bodies never seem to end? And how did the killer easily snap a policeman's neck, but get overpowered by a teenager wielding sports equipment? Forget it. On the plus side, though, this movie gets my Inventive Title Bonus. "Disturbia?" Excellent title. Too bad they couldn't build a better movie around it.