Review of Den of Thieves (2018) by James K — 22 Jan 2018

Are you tired of watching movies where people took their time to write a thoughtful and intriguing script?! Are you hoping to watch a film that displays how badly a "Spartan" can let himself go?! Then have I got a movie for you!!

Here is how I envisioned this movie came to exist...

Producer: "You can't make a movie while only giving characters cliche and meaningless lines, it's impossible!".

Director: "Challenge ACCEPTED!".

(Yeah, this was basically directed by a guy who WISHES he was Barney from How I Met Your Mother).

Spoiler Alert ... well only technically, you can't spoil something already completely wrotten.

The movie starts with about half of the LA police department being gunned down, which means this movie is about solving one of the most heinous crimes committed on American soil, right?! Wrong! It's about how many strippers Gerard Butler can bang! The massive slaughter of law enforcement officers is pretty much ignored the rest of the movie once a vegan federal agent shows up (yeah, that's right, the pussy cliche fed who takes over the case has to clarify that he's vegan). It's not even clear if the federal agent even takes over the case, there is just no mention of anyone wanting to resolve this crime.

Most of this movie seems to actually be dedicated to what a typical American with an IQ below 70 THINKS is a manly man. Everyone is covered in what appears to be large, wanna-be gang tats, law enforcement and criminals alike. Everyone is banging strippers and abusing drugs and booze. The tough guys spend their time trying to be super intimidating and "scary" to weak inferior men.

The only individual who did a worse job acting in this movie than Gerard Butler was Baby Cube who I had high hopes for after Straight Outta Compton. Big Papa Cube needs to do a better job screening juniors potential jobs if he wants his son to have a chance at the same caliber career.

I think one of my favorite scenes is when the "bad guys" (I use quotes cause the "good guys" are flaming dick bags) detonate a bottle of windshield wiper fluid inside a car to completely eliminate all evidence from the crime scene.

If you want to watch a more creative and well thought through movie, please watch LITERALLY ANY OTHER MOVIE EVER. If Star Wars makes a spin off fully dedicated to Jar Jar Binks, and it stars a literal pile of dog crap, it would guaranteed be a better movie than this disaster.