Review of Delivery Man (2013) by Hunter W — 25 Dec 2013

I was so freakin' psyched by the trailer, you would not believe. Alas, the film is uneven - squeezing at tear ducts one minute and defying logic and plot the next.

David Wozniak's too many sperm donations were accidentally used too many times, and now he has too many children - a fair many of whom have now mobilized a campaign to uncover their birth father's identity. In an attempt to win his baby mama's trust, he sets off to be these kids' guardian angel, which leads to some really beautiful bonding moments (taking over his baristo/actor son's station so that he can go on an audition to win the role of a lifetime; interceding in his dispirited daughter's near-fatal heroin overdose; being an overall cheerleader for this gang of misfits).

What doesn't quite fit can be described by the Superman/Clark Kent Conundrum. Can the handful of kids whose lives he touched not put together the pieces of the puzzle and figure out he's their father? I was hoping that they DID figure it out, but they wouldn't call him out on it because they know that kind of blanket exposure isn't what he wants.

Also, where are these kids' parents? Especially the physically disabled, mentally retarded one who lives in a facility? The complex culture of adoption/surrogate birth wasn't really explored: what kind of upbringing did these kids have that may or may not have caused them to wonder about, then actively search for their birth parent?

Furthermore, Victor's mild hostage ploy seemed to have been thrown in for awkward guffaws. Why doesn't David try some fathering here and show Victor how his clingy behavior is alienating and socially detrimental?

Penultimately, David's own life plot with Emma is completely unimaginative. Emma's character lacks any emotional depth and only exists as a foil and romantic interest to David. She is given a job as a police officer, probably in an attempt to show that she's a strong woman, but other than that, she has no personality traits. Played by the once neapolitan but increasingly vanilla Cobie Smulders, Emma really is a nothing role.

Lastly, which relates to the penultimate, David's rousing speech about fatherhood at the end is good for his finally taking responsibility, but the rhetoric about a father deciding he's the father is a bit simplistic and misogynistic, especially in light of legitimate custody cases in which the father is clearly not qualified. The necessity for such an argument also paints Emma as narrow-minded; there seems to be only one reason keeping her from accepting David as the father (his unwitting siring of a bajillion scions), which once again, is an ignorant representation of a woman.

And just a parting nitpick: why are all these kids so into kids? The overwhelming love showered on this new baby sibling is a cloying and manipulative resolution to a potentially deep but ultimately wasted whale of a tale.