Review of Deep Rising (1998) by Alison O — 30 Sep 2005

Best in Show: End credits.

One for the future: Original filmmaking.

Stand-out scene: End credits.

Brainer or no-brainer: No brainer.

Stands up to one viewing or repeated?: None.

DVD commentary any good?: n/a.

TV.

You can't beat a movie with a decent story and and fond as I am of more thoughtful fare, films-wise, sometimes I like to punctuate 'brain required' movies with a no brainer. Whether that's because cheesy action is sometimes all my mind can handle, nine times out of ten 'popcorn movies' serve their purpose; to make me appreciate the decent stuff all the more. This, however, falls into a category on its own. I realise that the film-makers didn't set out to make the greatest movie of all-time but this barrel scraping, cut and shut of every action/thriller/monster movie that's ever been made has broken through the bottom of said barrel and is tunneling its way to the Earth's core, meeting a load of multi-toothed sea creatures on its way. We've seen this sort of thing before; it's called Alien and that movie is light years away from this hamfisted bottom burp of a movie. Never before have I been willing the entire cast of a movie to be put out of their misery (with a knock-on effect for the viewer) as quickly as possible; the whole lot of them unlikeable as soon as they each open their caricatured, cardboard cut-out mouths. As unlikeable as each cast member is, however, they're a country mile apart from the worst offender, whose name I have obliterated from my memory, but if you've seen this you'll know who i'm on about. It's the 'techie' quipster whose every utterance is as crass and irritating as his hair is unwashed. The filmmakers clearly are aware of this as he fails to die (believe me, i'm not ruining the movie for you; the director and screenwriter have done that all by themselves). He keeps bobbing to the surface like a turd that won't flush. It's quite an achievement to make Deep Blue Sea look like a worthwhile movie, but this somehow manages it. Awful awful awful.