Review of Dead Clowns (2003) by Edward K — 28 May 2010

The one line synopsis for this movie refers to it as a "horrific thriller". Upon reading that, you might think "Oh, it's gonna be scary, and gruesome and awesome" and you would be 100% wrong.

The only thing horrific about this "thriller' is that someone actually got paid for this.

Where to start, where to start...

*** In the early portion of the movie there is a "time stamp" that appears to show us progression. It starts at like 1:15pm, the next time it's 2:45pm, and so on. After using this device a handful of times, it is promptly forgotten and never used again.

*** We get the back story of the dead clowns via a woman who tells the story to her husband/boyfriend. We also learn that her father was the person who inadvertently caused the death of a train car full of clowns. This sort of implies that maybe she is the main character. She is not. She is promptly killed.

*** Characters are introduced. That's it. They are introduced. We learn very little, if anything, about them. Then they are killed.

*** The "zombie" clowns move slowly, like zombies are want to do. But they also have fine motor skills and the ability to wield weapons. They are very methodical in their stalking of the victims. They open doors, peek inside, and move along. They are less zombies and more like slashers ala Michael Myers.

*** Stock footage is used more than a $5 whore. Footage of various storms, hitting various towns in various parts of the U.S. is peppered all over the place. The film stock various from shot to shot, so its use is totally pointless.

*** We meet someone later in the film who gives us the back story of the dead clowns. Yes. We get the same information a second time, from a second character. She, like the first lady, is promptly killed.

*** A piece of plywood with a 2x4 frame on it (making a box) is heavy enough to pin a character to the ground. Except, when he breathes, the movement of his chest is enough to move the fixture. And yet, he's stuck.

*** A little research on drug use would be useful. I'm no expert on the subject, but one line of coke isn't going to cause you to hallucinate. Also, coke does not look like table salt.

*** There is no main character in this movie. When you think there is, you are proven wrong as they are stalked, killed and eaten. Yeah, at least the "zombie" clowns eat their prey.

*** The sound quality is total ass. I was thumbing the volume up and down every scene change, and sometimes within the same scene. WHAT?!? I SAID "I was thumbing the volume up and down every scene change, and sometimes within the same scene"!!!

*** The ending is... weak. Very weak. So weak that it probably couldn't lift a piece of plywood off of its own chest, either.

Avoid this film. The concept is cool as hell. Dead clowns come back to life to wreak havoc on the town that brushed their tragic death under the carpet. In more capable hands, with some serious script revisions, this could have been a four star movie. As it stands, I'm giving it one star; half of one for the concept and the other half for the more than likely unintentional homage to Fulci's "Zombi" in one spot involving a meat thermometer.

1 dead clown out 5.