Review of Dark Town (2004) by Joe W — 16 Oct 2006

Wow. Pretty lame title.

Anyway, this past weekend featured a Friday the 13th. And you know what that means...bad horror movies! I love tradition. When picking the films, I usually just go for the worst looking cover boxes. But this time I cheated because I really wanted to see The Woods. And I'm always hoping for so bad it's good. But no luck here.

[b]Dark Town[/b]. Wow. I'm not even sure where to start with this movie. If I had a video camera, I could have made this. Just get a few girl friends who don't mind making out in their underwear, some cheap make-up and some actually awesome vampire fangs. Then let everyone improv their dialogue and ta-da! Instant horror in suburbia. Just avoid this.

Now, [b]The Woods[/b] was a truly great movie. I'm going to watch it again when I don't have a bunch of giggling teenage girls over so I can focus more on it. But even now, I loved it. Lucky McKee ("May") rules. He's excellent at creating atmosphere, characters and keeping the film tight. Agnes Bruckner ("Peaceful Warrior") is impressive as Heather and Patricia Clarkson ("All the King's Men") is appropriately creepy as Ms. Traverse. Also, really, really good use of music. I will own this film.

I gave [b]The Grudge 2 [/b]a 3 because I decided that it was, in fact, better than The Wicker Man remake. But just barely. I went in prepared to like it. I was watching it alone, late at night, in a theater with good sound and that is the perfect setup for me to freak myself out. I don't even need that much help from the movie. But about halfway into this one, I realized that this was one of the most ludicrous things I'd ever seen. Grudge 2 has three story lines. Only one of them is vaguely interesting mostly because that little boy (Matthew Knight, I think) was out-acting everyone else in the film. Then there was overuse of the creepy sound. And then the end [spoiler] if the monster can get you from inside your hoodie, then there is no point in having a film at all. No suspense. No chance of escape. How can something attack from inside your clothing (unless it's bugs or a flesh eating virus?). [/spoiler] Super, super ridiculous.

And then there was [b]The Covenant: Brotherhood of Evil[/b] (known as "Canes" on imdb). I picked this because it starred the MIA Edward Furlong ("The Visitation") and Michael Madsen ("Scary Movie 4"). Please note that a good cast does not a good film make. Furlong gets passed over for a promotion at work and then gets blinded by a freak mugging incident. Madsen offers Furlong his sight back, but he must pay WITH HIS SOUL! Overly dramatic. Poorly acted. Maybe Furlong is only good in certain roles (Terminator, American History X, Animal Factory). I don't know. What I do know is that I lost interest in this movie before the half way point.

So bad horror movie night only scored one winner, but I still love the tradition.