Review of Cruel Intentions (1999) by Jordan A — 01 Nov 2012

I have never had a stranger movie-watching experience. Until the ending came, I felt absolutely nothing towards this movie. I didn't like it or hate it. It wasn't extremely boring or absurdly entertaining. It was just a dumb rom-com. But then the ending came along. I need to briefly summarize the plot for you to understand my frustration. The movie is about two rich, manipulative, self-absorbed, morally repugnant, popular step-siblings named Sebastian and Kathryn. While Sebastian is somewhat charming and almost likable, Kathryn is a detestable human being. When Reese Witherspoon's character, Annette, a virgin with no intent on having premarital sex, comes to stay near them, they make a bet: If Sebastian can sleep with Annette, then Kathryn with sleep with him, but if Sebastian fails, then Kathryn gets his car. Obviously, Sebastian falls in love with Annette, and while the two interact, Kathryn tries to corrupt an innocent virgin named Cecile (played by Selma Blair). During the course of this scheme, Kathryn has Sebastian give her an orgasm, creates a sexual relationship between her and her music teacher and gets Cecile into trouble with her mother. Eventually, Sebastian has sex with Annette, but Kathryn convinces him to break up with the girl that he loves. Though she had begged for him to bed her earlier, Kathryn then refuses to have sex with Sebastian, claiming that she "[doesn't] **** losers." The movie turns from a dumb rom-com into a depressing drama, and Sebastian subsequently gives his journal to Annette; explaining how their relationship got started and why he was initially interested in her. Kathryn, being the manipulative, detestable person that she is, calls up Cecile's lover and tells him that Sebastian had sex with her. Kathryn also falsely claims that she was physically abused by Sebastian. Cecile's lover runs into Sebastian on the street, while Annette is desperately trying to find him. Cecile's lover starts a fight with Sebastian, and when Annette tries to intervene, she is pushed into the street by Cecile's lover. Sebastian pushes her out of the way, but is hit by a cab and dies. When I saw Annette in the street, I was just thinking: "Oh please... Please don't... No... Don't..." But they did. They killed Sebastian. He tells Annette that he loves her before he dies, and then the movie jumps to a memorial service for Sebastian at their school. Annette menacingly confronts a remorseless Kathryn while she is snorting cocaine in the bathroom. Then Kathryn attempts to give a speech, but everyone starts to leave the memorial service and go outside. We see Cecile passing out copies of Sebastian's journal; revealing the evils of the step-siblings to the entire school. The headmaster finds Kathryn's cocaine stash in her necklace, and many people shake their heads disapprovingly at her. She starts to cry; knowing that her reputation is destroyed. The final scene shows Annette driving Sebastian's car, remembering him fondly, with Bittersweet Symphony playing in the background.

Now let's dive into the big problem with all of this: YOU CAN'T END A DUMB ROMANTIC COMEDY WITH THE DEATH OF THE MAIN CHARACTER. Just imagine this; imagine Iron Man dying at the end of Iron Man. Yes, you would be sad, for he was a charming character, but it would be completely out-of-place and wouldn't fit with the rest of the movie at all! Then, imagine that it showed the villain being arrested. Yes, he deserved to be arrested, but that doesn't make up for the fact that he caused Iron Man's death! Kathryn and Cecile's lover caused Sebastian's death. Kathryn is expelled from her school, but so what? She caused someone's death; being expelled from school doesn't make up for that! She isn't even remorseful; she's just an awful human being that deserves every bad thing that happens to her. The movie doesn't even show what happens to Cecile's lover, but he should be arrested for reckless endangerment of human life. And then there's the final scene of Reese Witherspoon fondly remembering Sebastian... Aw... BUT NO! That doesn't work because they lacked chemistry; all the flashbacks are meaningless to the audience, and HE'S STILL DEAD. NOTHING MAKES UP FOR THE FACT THAT HE'S STILL DEAD. If Kathryn and Cecile's lover died, it wouldn't make up for it; the death of a villain cannot make up for the death of a hero. Sebastian is dead, and nothing can make up for that.

The movie is a frustrating mess; alright until the unforgettable, awful, out-of-place ending. I have trouble understanding how this movie has gained a cult following, and if this review can deter one, just one person from this movie, then I will be happy.