Review of Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) by Jim S — 10 Mar 2008

You wanna know something? I'm a real prick. Honestly. For the most part, I think I'm better than everyone. No, no. I KNOW I'm better than everyone. And it makes me a real damn misanthrope.

Oh, not better than you, for sure. That's why I wrote "For the most part".

Anyway, let's talk movies, shall we?

I received [i]Young Guns[/i] as a gift. Mainly because its a western and its got Keifer. Little did I know, John Locke also makes an appearance. I mean, Ima just sittin' thar watchin' mah movin' pitcher show and I says to myseff, "Lawdy, that be Terry O'Quinn!" But I kint say thur be much else worth my time abut it. I give it a [b]4/10[/b] mostly cuz ol' Kiefer bees innit.

Well, I says to mahsef later sumtimes this weekend, "Sef, I might as well watch [i]Flatliners[/i] too. Issa got Kiefer also!" So I dids. It's wid all dem Brat Packers and can you believe deys be killin' demselves so dey can see da affalife? Sheeit. It kinda spooky at times, and ode Kiefer a real jerk at times, but udda den dat, it's kinda predictable and rilly don't aspore sommada themes of spirtulallity lahk I thinks it should.

I then says to mahseff, "Sef, you gots dis hur pitcher called [i]Phonebooth[/i] and issa got Kiefer also. Why not watch it?!" So I did. It wasn't too long, but I kinda like dat. Gots to thu points, gnome sane? And Kiefer was on dat phone being all creepy and shit. Dude wud make me mess mahself if he called me.

Wif no great diss-respeck to Kiefer, I fell it tahm to switch gears. I gots all sperchal and watched Ingmar Bergman's [i]The Seventh Seal[/i]. Dis crazy ass naht cumz back frum da crew sayeds and is all dipressed n sheeit. "Whurz Gahd? Whah he not talkin' to a nigga?" His squar dint seem to cur nun, makin' jokes and cuttin' sum theevin sumbitch on his face. And din der dees ackters wif a chal n dah naht saves der ass by foolin Def hissef. But Def take the naht and the sqaur and deys wives and wimmins, so is kinda dark and gloomy. But issa got me tinkin' and sheeit, and dats good.

Den I watched dis teevoed talky called [i]Crimes and Misdemeanors[/i]. It's by dat perv Woody Allen. You noes a dood gumby a perv wif a name lahk dat. Anyway, issa nodder movie bout Gahd and murl crysees. Dis eye doctur has dis crazy bitch taken out and freaks dah fuck out because he's sure gone ta hail now. And den ders dis movie maker who makes a pitcher about dis dood he hates and tries to git wif dis wommin who ain't his wahf. Well, deys both do tings dey feels is raht and eventually it all comes togedda inda in. Issa good pitcher about stuff we does dat makes us who we iz.

Mang, den I seen dis crazy ass sheeit about a guy runnin' from a Nattsee dennis! Whooo lawd! I was all up on duh ejjamah seat. Oh, iss called [i]Marathon Man[/i]. Dey some hos dat I seen aftah dah end, but I dint cur durng da pitcher so sall good.

I wents to a parade Sunday in gots all burn in shit. Whiles tinnin to mah skin, I watched [i]Deliverance.[/i] Ain't no way all crackas be dat crazy, is dey? Sheeit, I ain't never wanna cumm up on sum crazy crackas moon shine turrtry. Deys be ainuhlly rapeing dudes n shit! But Burt Reynolds was cool n shit n Jon Voight ventually cumz around and mans up and beats da wilderness. Cool ass pitcher.

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[size=5]That must be, far and away, the most annoying thing I have ever written. I wish I could say I was drunk. The urge just kicked in half-way through a sentence.[/size].

[size=5]Jokes on you, I guess.[/size].