Review of Crank: High Voltage (2009) by Cameo L — 11 Mar 2013

As a rule you should always see a film through to the end. In my opinion you cannot hold an informed opinion on a movie if you walked out or turned it off half way through. You never know, the last ten minutes could have been amazing. There are of course, films which test this rule, sometimes to breaking point. Crank: High Voltage is one of those films.

The first Crank movie was an enjoyable, if unspectacular, action romp. It wasn't pretending to be anything clever and supplied a nice helping of all the action movie stalwarts on a fast forward setting. Crucially though, Crank knew when to stop. High Voltage on the other hand doesn't. It hurtles through the crash barriers and ends up a smouldering wreck at the bottom of a chasm.

Picking up exactly where Crank finished, High Voltage starts with a video game interpretation of that film;s final moments before revealing the returning Jason Statham as Chev Chevelios having his heart removed. Naturally the Stat is none too pleased to discover this upon awaking and begins a ludicrous escapade to retrieve his ticker while keeping his artificial heart charged with as much electricity as possible.

The films first sign of things to come is when Jason shoves a rifle into an uncomfortable place for his opponent. This is smirk raising but it's just a taster of the horrors that await. The film descends into quickly resembling a Saturday night out in Halifax as limbs fly at the screen about as often a pair of boobs appears. It's dizzyingly fast and frantic but unlike with the original, it's also offensively bad.

Corey Haim is almost unrecognisable as Amy Smart's pimp in what was his final film (what a waste). Amy Smart must have been desperate to take this job. Her alfresco bunk up with the Stat in Crank was amusing in the same way that the scene in which Nic Cage slays his opponents while on the job in Drive Angry was, but here it's upgraded to a comical romp in the middle of a race course. This is the best example of High Voltage not knowing when enough is enough.

Things go from bad to worse as even Geri Halliwell pops up in a stupid Jerry Springer style TV show segment. The film careers towards it's finale with no one really caring, least of all the viewer.

The directorial duo of Neveldine and Taylor clearly set out to top themselves and shock the world with an action movie of total excessiveness. It doesn't work. High Voltage comes off as a racist, sexist, unentertaining pile of crap, completely puerile and devoid of merit. Mike Patton from Faith No More did the music. His band reformed shortly afterwards so no one would be thinking about this at the time. I don't know that for sure, but it seems like a logical assumption.

On the bright side, The Transporter can be content that it is no longer Jason Statham's worst film.