Review of Crank (2006) by Clem666 — 21 Apr 2021

From start to finish 'Crank' is a huge and messy joke that could have been told by a disruptive teenager to his closest troubled friends. Writing a structured critic about such a poor movie is a total prowess. I could not resist to make a list of its numerous flaws...

Filming process and camera angles are twisted and drafty, colours (in addition to lighting, calibration and contrasts) are more than ugly, dialogues are dull and predictable, characters are not developped at all, fight scenes are terrible, 'bastard' is the closest word I found to describe the overall pace of this film, all characters must share a small group of neurons between them, the plot is based on adrenaline and the scenarists don't know anything about this hormone, Statham beats each and every characters without any difficulty, his body still works after all the crap he does and takes (including bullets), driving scenes can actually cause vomiting (and there are a lot of those), the editing is disgusting, every woman present in 'Crank' was hired to showcase her body, blood scenes are awful, the movie doesn't hide at all its marketing principles (and therefore shows a lot of advertising especially when the 'hero' enters shops), we can clearly see the use of green screens in many shots, bad guys are boring, overall acting is hardly decent, some scenes are iconic by their infinite stupidity, and it is a true miracle Statham's carrier didn't stop right after that release. Racism is the only flaw missing to qualify this movie of 'worst of human history'. 'Crank' isn't even agreable to watch while getting drunk and high with your dearest friends (unless if you aim at a major bad trip). Worst of it all : they shot a second movie three years later !

The one and only good point I found is that music is great. It still could have been a bit better if they didn't stop the good tracks too early every time.

According to me 'Crank' is definitely worst than Uwe Boll's movies. Stay away from it unless you have a lot of neurones to lose or if you want to experience hangover symptoms without any substance consumption.