Review of Constantine (2005) by Tony B — 19 Dec 2010

I've never been a comic book guy at all, as many who know me are already aware, but I'd of course heard of Hellblazer. I knew the general basics of John Constantine and his world but that was it, so I came to this movie very much without a clue of what to expect. Ultimately, what I received was nothing special.

This took FOREVER to go anywhere of interest (scratch that, it NEVER does). The plot is remarkably wafer thin, yet Constantine spends the better part of 90 minutes figuring out the connections, building to a cheesy and anticlimactic conclusion. Mind you, when you cast Keanu Reeves, there's no surprise. I can already think of a DOZEN better actors for this role - he's uniformly awful throughout this. I wasn't remotely convinced by his portrayal of the gruff, chain-smoking, Hell-tormented exorcist Constantine. Keanu looking 'tormented' is how I look when I take a shit. Much as she's de lovely (and genuinely a good actress), Rachel Weisz is miscast here too as a latently psychic LA cop WHO IS CRUCIAL TO THE PLOT. It's like they took two potentially badass comic characters and cast the PG versions of them. Things are rounded out by Pruitt Taylor Vince & Djimon Hounsou playing THEMSELVES, a pre-fame Shia LeBeouf being as irritating as shit and Tilda Swinton wandering in from a better, proper film for a baffling part. And as for Peter Stormare? Don't even get me started on how bad HE was.

To be fair, it does have some virtues. There are some good FX, a quality opening exorcism, a quite epic depiction of Hell and a scene where Constantine cuts through a horde of demons is from a much better realisation of this comic. These nuggets are few and far between though - bogged down in laborious plotting, a dull script without the actors to give it a shot in the arm, by-the-numbers direction, some unintentional comedy (see Peter Stormare or a hilarious flashback to a terrified child John on a bus) and, again, Keanu - who's so terrifyingly miscast he sinks this whole thing like an anvil made of adamantium.

Real shame. Someone try making Hellblazer again and this time, do it properly. Where's that Christopher Nolan bloke when you need him?