Review of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) by Jonathan S — 05 May 2011

1991 is slightly different than what I remember. The previous sequels were getting progressively silly, but this one is just plain asinine. All the dogs and cats are dead so the human race makes apes be our slaves (?!), taking great pains to train them to be barbers and waiters, etc.

All while people from what I can only assume are the barbers and waiters unions boycott their loss of jobs. Everyone abuses and mistreats the apes, but they keep making them do stuff. In this future the only jobs available are leader of society or ape-handler (as apes have all the other jobs).

What will become of our economy? Enter Caesar, the descendant of Cornelius and Zira, and a threat to all mankind because his parents were from the future where apes have taken over. In the previous film a "Time Expert" has his parents killed because he knows that their descendants will cause the annihilation of the human race.

..begging the question of how they can go back in time to cause themselves to be? Also, if it has already happened doesn't that imply that it can't be stopped? Caesar, disgusted with the ape abuse, leads a revolution that surprisingly works considering that he's a million times smarter than all of the other apes who are still dumb animals.

Why is the head of "ape affairs" so ape racist? Why would we destroy our economy by making an unwieldy, hard to train, wild animal assume all complex and menial jobs? Perhaps the most insulting thing about this film is that up until now I had always assumed that the apes looked a little more humanlike because they had evolved or mutated.

This film informs us that the funny make-up and wonky proportions are simply what today's apes would look like if we put clothes on them. It tries to be culturally significant with bludgeon-like allusions to the civil rights movement and whatever, but it's too dopey to take seriously.

I loved it.