Review of Conan the Destroyer (1984) by Glenn L — 09 Jul 2011

It's is a lot hokier than its predecessor and features one of the worst sidekicks ever, but don't dismiss it just yet. The story structure is actually far closer to the adventures Robert E. Howard wrote and it incorporates much the same with its bizarre supernatural elements and monstrosities.

Richard "The Vikings" Fleischer was the director - a journeyman of cinema if there ever was one. I actually love the way the movie was shot (get this: it was none other than Jack Cardiff behind the lens!) and while one can only guess whether or not it was intentional, the idea of Wilt Chamberlain being assigned the duty to protect Olivia d'Abo's virginity has gotta be one of the greatest jokes in movie history.

Arnold Schwarzenegger also gets considerably more dialogue in this sequel and, for the briefest of moments, gives the most authentic portrayal of Howard's Conan ever seen on the big screen. It's during a standoff scene between the band of heroes and the temple guardians; the two apposing wizards are babbling on about the dangers of the magical jeweled horn and Conan all of a sudden interrupts the exchange by yelling, "Enough talk!" and hurls a dagger into some poor fucker's crotch.

.. and a massive brawl ensues. I crack up every time I watch it.