Review of Conan the Barbarian (2011) by Joe J — 01 Jul 2012

Conan (Jason Momba) was born from blood - as his pregnant mother was fighting in a war (why a pregnant woman was fighting is beyond me). His father, Corin (Ron Perlman) raised him until the Barbarian land was attacked by Zym (Stephen Lang), who was out to find all the pieces of a mask that would make him a god. Having obtained all the pieces, he went in search for a pureblood to activate it.

Years later, Conan is on the hunt for Zym and his psychic daughter Marique (Rose McGowan) with the help of slaves he's help freed. They find the pureblood, Tamara (Rachel Nichols), and Conan sets out to protect her from Zym and Marique.

I figured it'd take a miracle to make the original Arnold Schwarzenegger "Conan" look epic, but director Marcus Nispel managed to do that. Not only did he meet my already low expectations for this film, he actually made it worse than I could possibly have imagined. The acting was atrocious. The effects were laughable, and the storyline was downright silly. Conan muttered through his lines, most of which were only two or three word sentences. Rachel Nichols' Tamara had as much emotion as a piece of wood, unless she was in danger, then she screamed like a banshee. Oh, and then there's the sand army. Yes. Sand army.

The saddest thing about this film is that it was narrated by Morgan Freeman. Oh Morgan, what were you thinking? You should stick to narrating cute penguins, not brain-dead re-imaginings.