Review of Conan the Barbarian (1982) by Doug Z — 11 Jul 2015

'Cult' and 'Classic' do not adequately describe how magnificently the stars aligned to give us this perfect, matchless fantasy epic. I love everything about it, and each viewing only enhances the experience.

The cinematography, sound-track, and set design is pitch-perfect (the sequence where Conan's village is attacked, with the light shining through the trees, the drums pounding? My God!!). Arnold's heavy accent and lack of range actually work FOR him here (Crush your enemies, see dem driven befoh you, and hear de lamentation of dare vimen!').

He is, of course, peerless in terms of the physique one would associate with the role. Amazing that he actually trimmed DOWN 30 pounds to achieve the more athletic look wanted by the director, John Milnius! Sandahl Bergmen is perfect as Conan's love-interest and partner in crime, Valeria (though her name is never spoken).

Strong, independent and dangerous (no one-note 'Damsel in Distress'), a beautiful Valkarie. Gerry Lopez is great as Subotai, Conan's buddy, and it is endearing to hear his accent slip and his 'California-surfer' come to the surface.

They actually had to dub his lines because of his inconsistent delivery, but there is one scene that made it into the finished film, and it is all Gerry. James Earl Jones has been accused of being campy with his portrayal of Thulsa Doom, but that is utter nonsense.

He is perfect in word and deed.. His voice and delivery is glorious, and one could listen for hours to him reading the phone book. There is in fact nothing camp or tongue-in-cheek about this film. Everyone and everything is dead-serious, and I think it is one of the reasons this film will continue to stand the test of time, where the numerous copycats remain embarrassing footnotes.

Mako is the best as the Wizard, narrator, and comic relief. The plot is engrossing and well-paced, the ultimate origin story. The score accompanies each scene perfectly, and is one of the big stars of the film.

The general lack of CGI is so very welcome and appreciated! What little there is is seamless and unobtrusive. The actors did most of their own stunts and all of their fight choreography, and it pays off beautifully.

A true classic, and the standard against which all fantasy films are measured, and found wanting (save for Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy).