Review of Conan the Barbarian (1982) by Tall Cool One ! — 09 Jan 2010

There are dozens of cheap fantasy films from the seventies and eighties. It would be easy to group this movie in with those...unless you sat down and really watched it. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's best acting (no, I'm being serious). He is Conan, sold into slavery as a child where he grows strong from hard labor, learns combat skills from being thrown into the arena to fight for his life, learns to read and also learns what is best in life: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.".

There is a poetry to "Conan, the Barbarian" that is missing in most other Sword and Sorcery" movies. In the beginning, Conan's father tells him about the riddle of steal. Later Conan comes to worship Crom, who will throw him out of Valhalla and laugh at him unless he can answer the riddle of steal upon his death. And then you have James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom, who has chosen the path of charisma over brute strength.

The special effects in this picture don't hold up as well as they do in something like Star Wars. But if you let yourself get sucked into the story through the acting and the exceptional dialogue then they shouldn't distract you (okay, maybe the body parts in the soup will, but that's it).

Movies like "The Scorpion King" and even "Conan, the Destroyer" fail because certain aspects, mainly the comedy, pull you out of the period. Nothing about "Conan the Barbarian" feels like it doesn't belong in the world the characters inhabit.

If you haven't seen this then give it a shot. But make sure you check out this movie and not the sequel which is a giant step down (think "Jaws" and its sequels).