Review of Conan the Barbarian (1982) by Roger O — 15 Aug 2011

Conan is the manliest porn ever made. Blood, death, slaughter, naked ladies, slavery, animal fights, muscles, animal pelts, and testosterone. It's unbelievably awesome.

From the very beginning of this mansterpiece (see what I did there?), you know shit is going to be epic. From the sword-forging opening credits to the ominous horn stabs from Basil Poledouris, this movie starts out perfectly.

And then shit gets ugly for Conan and the gang real fast. The opening sequence, set to a BRILLIANT piece of music from Basil Poledouris, shows Conan's village getting raped and pillaged by a bunch of unknown assholes on horses, his parents getting murdered in front of him, and he and a bunch of other children getting enslaved.

How much worse could it get for a kid? One day you're just hanging around minding your own business when suddenly out of nowhere everybody you know is brutally murdered and you're enslaved for the foreseeable future. Conan's life changed with a snap of the fingers, and just like that, his childhood was stripped from him while he slaved away for many, many years.

It's a powerful opening, and an unbelievably effective way for our titular character to earn viewer empathy. We don't just WANT to see Conan beat the bad guys, we NEED to see it. This guy had it BAD, man.

His journey is filled with everything you'd want out of a manly movie like this. He sleeps with many women, kills many men and animals, and it's all handled wonderfully. The choreography is great, Arnold is spectacular of course, and Basil's sweeping orchestration keeps the heart pumping. It's so so excellent.

Finally, I just have to mention that James Earl Jones is one of the most evil-looking motherfuckers on the screen in Conan. His presence is utterly spellbinding and terrifying, and when he's on screen it's almost impossible not to fear him.

Is Conan a good movie? Fuck yeah it is. It's an excellent movie. It's got some corny acting and lame dialogue and some questionable moments, but they're surrounded by such a well put-together swords-and-sorcery epic that it's hard to complain about anything. I had such a fun time watching this I can barely even describe the joy I felt at every turn. If you're a man, this is REQUIRED viewing.