Review of Commando (1985) by Amit T — 20 Jul 2010

This is one of those movies I was going to stop at a 4 or a 4.5 at, but... Fuck it. Why not just give it 5 stars? I know I will anyway in a year or so.

I just realized Sully (one of the henchman) is played by David Patrick Kelly, who I vaguely recognized in this movie. He's the "Warriors, come out and PLAY-AY" dude. In case you were wondering.

So, have you ever wanted to watch the most unintentionally homoerotic, most explosive, most killingly awesome action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Well, here it is. It's so over the top and ridiculous that you wonder if the screenwriters (including future comics scribe Jeph Loeb) were trying to make it silly on purpose or not. Because it's pretty straight-faced, despite the fact that the lead baddie looks like he just walked out of a fucking S&M club, and in the final scene, a shirtless Arnold taunts him into a knife fight, which pleases the baddie so much that he starts convulsing and moaning in pleasure.

That's right. Is that bad? Nope. But it's funny.

Basically, the moral of this film is that Arnold will kill you with his huge dick if you fuck around with his daughter.

And that he eats Green Berets for breakfast.