Review of Cobra (1986) by Jj M — 23 Oct 2012

To describe how bad this movie is without using expletives would take a screenwriting genius of David Mamet-status to achieve. I can't begin to describe how poorly made this film is, down to the cut-away closeups of machine guns being fired (which look like the actors are just shaking the guns to give the impression of kick-back), to the opening scene where we are introduced to the only Stallone character I actually despise ever having been created.

Now here's where my criticism gets complicated: Yes, the film falls into the watchable, so-bad-it's-good category, but even for an 80s film I can't help but be angry at how over-the-top (pun intended, Stallone fans) Marion "Cobra" Cobretti is played by Stallone. I can't help but feel that, even in 1986 (at the pinnacle of Stallone's career), many audiences were possibly thinking, "I know our clothing and hairstyles are retarded, but are the film makers here serious into wanting us to buy all this crap?".

Bottom line: I can watch this film once in a while and be entertained by how much I can somehow sense the literal faint smell of cheddar oozing from my TV (especially from the behind the scenes knowledge of the real-life relationship between Stallone, co-star Brigitte Nielsen and her secretive flings with Arnold Schwarzenegger), but Stallone plays Cobretti like an escaped institutionalized headcase who believes himself to be cooler than the Terminator, but without the bullet-proof armor underneath. He's the kind of man with a false sense of indestructibility you would expect to someday finally take a bullet in the arm, stand still for a moment in shock as his sunglasses fall from his face, and start quivering and crying like a boy who was rejected from trying out for his high school cheer-leading squad.

The real upside to why this film got at least one star is for the quotes, and the style in which Stallone chose to deliver them. And Brian Thompson's Night Slasher death scene is hilarious, which happens after one of the greatest hero-to-villain dialogue exchanges in 80s action film.

Night Slasher: "The court is civilized isn't it, pig?".

Cobra: "But I'm not. This is where the law stops, and I start...SUCKA!".

P.S. Director George Cosmatos may have actually been going blind by the time of this film's production, which may explain how so much of the film feels like a gag reel of second takes and alternative dialogue that somehow made the final cut. This isn't confirmed, but if it's true, it would help justify many things.