Review of Clash of the Titans (1981) by Peter H — 05 Apr 2010

I forgot how great this was. Sure, looking back on it now, the special effects are really poor, so the new one is going to blow it out of the water in that aspect. But yeah, when a movie is as great as this, you really can't complain how bad the special effects are.

It has such a good story, who cares if parts of things become invisible on the green screen (like the figures imposed on backdrops.) Actually, I kind of love the old stop-motion animation work of old movies like this.

Characters like Medusa or the Kraken might look ridiculous, but I bet you anything the people working on these effects 30 years ago worked just as hard as those lazy fuckers sitting behind their computers today.

Clash of the Titans takes place in a time of magic; a time of ancient gods and adventure, where a young warrior is born whose courage will change the world. Huh, sounds like what is really being born here is the idea for Xena: Warrior Princess.

This is based on Greek Mythology, a fascinating subject, so it's really awesome to see the Gods gathered on Mount Olympus, even though they all look like a bunch of boring old farts (I mean, what the hell do they do up there besides fuck with humans? There's no TV or bar or anything.

I guess they just screw the rest of the time.) Zeus ends up throwing a big tissy fit because the Queen he knocked up is being sent to death at sea with her newborn because the King is all jealous. The newborn is Zeus' mortal son, Perseus.

So Zeus commands Poseidon to awaken the Kraken and fuck some shit up in his son's hometown (cool seeing Poseidon, just some lame old man, standing underwater opening a gate for the Kraken - who looks like a giant Creature of the Black Lagoon).

Perseus and his mother (trapped in a floating coffin), make it to shore on a sweet fucking island safely with the help of Poseidon (thumbs up, old man!) Here he grows up and becomes totally awesome and "handsome" (he's played by Harry Hamlin, who looks a lot like an ugly caveman.

Sexy by B.C. standards, I guess, but ugly for now.) Anyways, this other goddess bitch gets all pissed off because Zeus cursed her son, Calibos, by turning him into a mutant freak, so she transports Perseus to this cursed town to fuck with him, but then he decides he has to save this princess.

Without going on about the lengthy story too much, let's just say he's given a magic shield, sword (which can cut through marble), helmet (which makes him invisible), and golden mechanical owl (sometimes there for comedic effect; the filmâ??s Jar Jar.

) He also tames a wild winged horse named Pegasus, and commences his adventure to save the Princess. It is one hell of an exciting, on-the-edge-of-your-seat adventure, which left me very jealous that I wasn't Perseus.

This guy kicks fucking ass - he's noble, courageous, and a very skilled fighter. He beats the shit out of the Titans (you know, all these mythical creatures Zeus let loose on earth because everyone pissed him off by not masturbating to him enough.

) He tricks these wicked blind cannibal witch monsters into telling him how to defeat the Kraken (his Princess will be fucked to death in 30 days by the thing unless he can find a way to stop it.) But they're fucking cunts for not warning him about this fucking crazy two-headed dog thing that guards Medusa's cave and comes from out of nowhere.

A head's up on that would've been nice! My favorite part when I was a kid was Medusa, and nice to see it still is, out of the many great things in this movie. Her backstory was cool - she was once a beautiful princess who did some minor thing to piss off a god so she was cursed to become a horrible monster, with snakes for hair, poison for blood, and a gaze that turns men into stone.

Basically she's just been cursed to be eternally on her period. Awesome to see she uses a bow and arrow in this, I forgot about that. And I do love the ancient Greek buildings - especially the Acropolis.

It looked good back then I guess. But I've been inside the real one in Athens, and like Mount Olympus, I wondered where the bar is, or hell, even chairs. What the fuck did they do in there, just stand around and bitch about shit? And I loved the heroic final scene, or "happy ending" if you will.

But, (SPOILERS), did Perseus really have to throw Medusa's head into the ocean after defeating the Kraken? It turns people into stone for fucksakes. He could've used it on his bitchy mother-in-law sometime in the future.