Review of Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009) by Drew H — 18 Jul 2010

A waste of time overall, but I guess if you want background sound and it was free, go for it.

I should know better by now than to watch movies based on a book (or books, in this case) that I've read. As it stands from a book-to-movie stand point, Cirque Du Freak is super crappy. As a movie all on it's own, it's still not that good. I have to mention that this isn't a full movie review because towards the end it was so boring I started cleaning for fun.

I'm being nice with 20%, but eh. Ok, bad stuff first:

This movie is far overstuffed and little is explained, and when it is explained it's almost an "As you know Bob" style. (That being a staple of old pulp sci-fi, "As you know Bob, I'm firing the super-duper rockets that will launch us to Venus") And then after a while they just give up explaining and go for it. Ok guys, that works...I guess. So complicated and boring plot, even if there are a few bright spots of interesting and fun.

Being fast-paced isn't bad in a film, at least in some. In this movie though, it's bad. I even know what should be the basic story but most of the time I was left going "Bu-waahh?" at what was happening. When it slows down for a moment as Darren enters the life of a freak, it's eh at best.

The characters are mostly boring and unrelated, and the relationships aren't believable either. Steve is the typical bad-boy rebel in small town America, and the whole "You are evil, bad blood!" is really kind of mean. Not all rebels are bad! Oh Mr. Tiny, why you be so stereotypically evil? Not even an interesting evil. Darren isn't very likable either because he's just...so boring, so 'normal' as he keeps putting it. This isn't a bad thing I guess, but it doesn't make for a fun character to try and relate to or cheer for. Because I read the books, I know why Crepsley speaks as he does because of the books, but in the movie it's not explained why he speaks oddly and with no accent despite being from a century past.

The bad guys were annoying, what else can I say. Give me someone scary, or that wonderful bad style that's likable.

And the wolfman...that was just sad. Since our idea of werewolves or wolf-men is more like the Lon Cheney version or something closer to what Underworld gave us, this version doesn't even make sense in it's looks. The monkey girl...just has a tail? That's all? Evra is covered in scales, even though his hands look like gloves (good job there). But she only has a tail? Frankly, that's just lame and a clear way to make Darren love her because she's still human which he so desperately wants to be.

The good:

Interesting scenery and costumes, and frankly I liked the changes in room design. All of Darren's home and the school are so white-bright and 50's, in the case of the home. The Cirque, by contrast is colorful and dark, which I like.

The freaks! Ok, so I wanted the bearded lady to be more bearded...isn't that what she's supposed to be? Evra the snake boy is fun, an interesting counterpoint to the awkward and 'normal' Darren. The random freaks you see rarely are the best part of this movie really. Orlando Jones, I love you- you make a simple role fun.

Darren running into the signpost. I expected it but it was still funny. Other attempts at humor were not so great and fell flat, but I wasn't expecting much out of this movie anyway, so I wasn't let down.

That's about all I can think of that was good. Yup. Because then the whole 'war' thing happened with predictable outcomes, silly dialogue and more characters just being lame.

And then it just kept going! Stop already! I want that time back.