Review of Cinderella (2015) by Vesicalthanatos — 14 Mar 2015

Like it’s protagonist, Kenneth Branagh’s live-action adaptation of the Disney animated classic Cinderella proves to be little more than a dull, vapid mess covered up by a sparkly blue dress, and no amount of computer-generated mice, slapstick pumpkins, or good old fashioned Bonham Carter charm can save it. Once again, director Branagh shows that the only thing he does better than Shakespeare is soulless CGI spectacle.

Everyone is familiar with the Cinderella story, and being that this particular iteration makes no effort to diverge from the tried-true fairy tale anyway, this critic shall not waste any time in summarizing it. To be brief, heroine Ella – Cinderella being a derogatory nickname cooked up by her endlessly irritating stepsisters – is left in the care of her heinous stepmother after both of her parents contract a horrible case of plot device and die. There is a prince, a fairy godmother, a slipper, and a happily ever after. The entirety of the story is narrated incessantly by Helena Bonham Carter’s Fairy Godmother character, and while I do not mind listening to the sound of Ms. Carter’s lovely voice for two hours, this demonstrates the film’s absolute obliviousness to the tenant of “show, don’t tell.”.

To Branagh’s credit, it must not be easy to craft a sensible film while working off of such a droll script – under the pen of Chris Weitz, esteemed writer of such masterpieces as The Golden Compass and The Nutty Professor II – while simultaneously being wrung through the dread corporate machine that is Disney. Still, the composition of this film displays a surprising level of incompetence. People slide down doors in despair, slippers can be shattered by stepmothers but left unscathed by a tumble down the stairs, and the characters seem to feel the need to babble incessantly about their feelings.

Our Cinderella is here a blubbering, counter-feministic clod who spends an inordinate amount of time either weeping or pining over her man. Lily James embodies the very image of a breathless, exhaustingly optimistic idiot with her constant empty smiles and flighty gestures. Ella lives her life under her mother’s dying tenant to always “have courage and be kind,” which evidently translates to “be a cheerful and willing servant to your abusive stepfamily.” Thus Ella is enslaved not only by her wicked stepmother, but by her blood mother as well. Ella puts blind loyalty to authority figures over her own happiness and well-being, thus becoming a perfect role-model to young women.

Speaking of wicked stepmothers, Cate Blanchett as the evil Lady Tremaine lends a subtlety and nuance to the role that might be compared to that of a bull in a china shop. Of course, how else can the audience tell that the stepmother is bad if she doesn’t follow every act of over-the-top, wanton cruelty with a smirk and a malevolent chuckle?

The film’s saving grace comes, unsurprisingly, in the form of Helena Bonham Carter, whose light and incredibly fun portrayal of Ella’s Fairy Godmother makes for a very watchable ten minutes in the middle of the film. Carter fills the screen with her presence and certainly woke this critic out of his near-catatonic state of boredom, even making Weitz’s trite, wooden dialogue feel clever.

Of course when it comes down to it this was a spectacle movie, and on that end it lived up. The use of CGI animals was obvious and often unnecessary – I’m sure that they still make real deer, Mr. Branagh – and the magic of the movie was unfortunately limited to the Fairy Godmother’s standout scenes in the middle, but the effects were nevertheless detailed and fun to watch. The film was an absolute parade of lovely costumes designed by Sandy Powell, especially the endless supply of bizarre yet beautiful outfits worn by Blanchett. Patrick Doyle’s score was grandiose and seemed to be struggling to carry the emotional weight of the film, as the actors clearly weren't making any effort to do so.

In all, this is a largely forgettable flick that trudges on through an uninspired and clichéd retelling of a story that has been told far too many times already. Without any fresh offerings or inspiring role-models, even children are sure to be unimpressed by this obviously mechanical piece of cold corporate cash-in.