Review of C.H.U.D. (1984) by Johnny B — 26 Feb 2009

I've had a fair number of people tell me this was a "classic" b-movie over the years, but for one reason or another, I never got around to seeing it until now. It was, let's say, not worth the wait.

First off, for a movie about killer, mutant sewer people, "C.H.U.D." is S.L.O.W. I realize this was probably intended to build up a sense of tension or foreboding, but the script is hopelessly inept that any hope of suspense crashes and burns almost immediately. At least one or two subplots could have been eliminated, slimming down the film nicely without hurting anything. At least 15-20 minutes seems devoted to George's girlfriend (wife?) finding out she's pregnant, alone. And it has no bearing on the story at all--not even as a setup for a killer C.H.U.D. baby in the sequel. I checked.

But even if things had been pared down, I'm not sure it would have saved this film. The acting is horrendously bad, but somehow never crosses into the realm of inadvertent hilarity. And some of the plot devices--namely why the decision to use first flamethrowers and then just plain gas against the C.H.U.D.s, when bullets were never even considered--reek of contrived idiocy. But again, none of this ever amounts to a "good" bad movie, leading to an inherently disappointing experience. Also, "C.H.U.D." features perhaps the least titillating shower scene ever captured on film. So it doesn't even have the (admittedly small), saving grace of a bit of T&A that so many other lackluster horror flicks at least have in their favor.