Review of Chef (2014) by Jordan R — 26 Jul 2017

1.

You walk here?

Alright, good. Turn around.

Legs out.

The bag.

Gotta still hit the.

Farmers' market.

- What time is it?

- 10:00-ish.

- It's 10:00?

- Mm-hm.

I gotta pick up the kid.

Where's Tony?

Tony and I were out late last night.

But don't worry, he's gonna be here.

- You got this?

- Yes.

He's not gonna flake. Neither am I.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

- Yes, Chef.

- Wake up.

We got a critic coming today.

Why you think I slept.

Here for, bro?

Let's get going on the soup.

We're behind on the egg prep.

And get the mise on the steak.

You still shitfaced?

- No, I'm good. I'm good, Chef.

- Alright.

Help Martin with the pig.

We got the pig.

Lechon!

- Hey, pal.

- Hey.

Buckle up, buddy. Sorry I'm late.

I'm used to it.

Listen, pal, I don't think we.

Have time to catch a movie today.

Is it 'cause you're.

Getting reviewed?

- Yeah, how'd you know about that?

- Mom told me.

What'd she say?

She said you might.

Be a little worried.

- She said I was worried?

- Yeah.

Well, Mom doesn't know.

Me that well, OK?

- She's pretty spot-on about you.

- Oh, yeah?

You know what Mommy.

Thinks I should be doing?

- What?

- That I should get a food truck.

- I like food trucks.

- Yeah, I like food trucks.

Who doesn't like food trucks?

Can you picture me driving.

A food truck? I'm a chef.

- I work in a restaurant.

- OK.

Listen, I gotta go to the farmers'.

Market, pick up some ingredients.

OK. Can I come?

I thought I'd drop you.

Off at the restaurant.

- Molly's there.

- No, I wanna go with you.

- You're not gonna ask me.

For everything you see?

- No.

It's not about you eating,.

It's about me buying groceries.

- I know.

- OK. Good.

- You got the purple and white?

- Just orange.

Just orange? Alright, give.

Me six bunches of those.

- Or eight of the small.

- Dad.

Hang on a second, buddy. And on the.

Radishes here, I use the tops, OK?

- I need consistent tops.

- Dad.

Is that what's happening?

Six of these. Let's see what we got.

- Dad.

- What do you want, Percy?

- Can I please have kettle corn?

- Daddy's working, OK?

No, you're not gonna get kettle...

- Why don't you get a piece of fruit?

- I don't want fruit.

How can you even ask for kettle corn?

You know what it is?

- No.

- It's carbs covered with sugar, OK?

Look at this piece of fruit.

Huh? It's beautiful.

How could you even want kettle corn.

With gorgeous fruit like.

This in front of you?

Why don't you have.

A piece of fruit?

So apparently they're.

Sending a big reviewer.

Who's also some huge food blogger.

- You know what a food blogger is?

- Yeah.

A guy who writes about.

Food on the internet.

I know what a food blogger is.

Well, this guy's a big one,.

And a lot of these big guys,.

They don't like me.

They got it in for me because I got.

Good write-ups when I started out.

- They're haters.

- Exactly.

We didn't have that word.

When I was growing up.

There was no word for hater.

The most you would say is that.

Somebody was, like, jealous,.

Which didn't really capture it.

The sausage guy's here.

You ever try andouille sausage?

- No.

- It's spicy.

- You like spicy?

- No.

It's not so spicy. Come on.

That's from New Orleans.

You ever heard of New Orleans?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

It's part of the United States.

It's part of the Louisiana.

Purchase from Napoleon.

Yeah. Um, that was...

I mean, like, now. That.

Was a long time ago.

- 1803.

- Whatever.

Talking about the food,.

The culture, you know?

Like this andouille sausage.

- Beignets. You ever hear of that?

- We can get it here.

Not the same.

When you have it here, it's.

Good because it reminds you of,.

Like, a whole world of memories.

That you have of being there.

'Cause it's like... I'm telling you,.

It's like a whole different world.

- We should go there sometime.

- Definitely.

- For real?

- Yeah.

I mean, not now.

- But, like...

- When?

I don't know. I got...

Everything's very full for me.

- I got this reviewer coming.

- After the review?

Yeah, after review. That'd be good.

I'm off school next month.

Next month? Yeah.

We could go next month.

- Awesome.

- Or whatever. Or, like, if you're...

If it doesn't... I'll ask Mom.

If it doesn't work out next.

Month, we'll go later.

- But we'll definitely check it out.

- I already did. She's cool with it.

- You asked her already?

- Mm-hm.

Where'd you get a phone? How.

Come you have a phone already?

Everybody your age have phones?

Yo, Popeye, get the.

Sauce on there, OK?

Whose bacon is this, huh?

I gotta watch this too?

When I find out who it is, grab your.

Ankles, 'cause here comes papi chulo.

Where we at? Talk to me,.

People. How we doing?

The stock's simmering, the pig's.

Broken down, bacon are fine.

The stock is simmering.

That means reducing.

Good. Guys, big night tonight.

You all know what's happening?

Yeah? OK, let me know.

As soon as he's here.

I want people having fun.

At all the tables around.

Call your pretty friends, bring 'em in.

Tell 'em the tickets are on me.

The stemware looks crooked.

Let's get out there.

Don't make me get the fucking.

Ruler out. Thank you.

- Oh, Chef.

- I got the good shit.

- You see this, Martin?

- Look at that. That's a specimen.

- Baby carrots.

- I got you curry paste with...

- Copy that. Copy that.

- Carl.

Not right now, please.

Where the fuck did you get.

These juicy-ass tomatoes?

- Riva's here.

- OK, you got it? Let's get...

What the hell's Riva doing here?

I don't know. He was.

On his way back here.

I got him espresso, bought.

You five minutes of time.

You should meet him.

Out on the floor.

Stall him for five minutes. Let.

Me get the staff going. Please.

OK. Fine. Expect him.

To come back here.

Yeah, thank you.

How you gonna keep that.

Psychopath from coming back here?

- You gotta have a plan.

- You want me to pickle these?

Yeah, pickle these.

I want you to pickle...

- Is Carl in there?

- Yeah.

Hey, Carl!

Carl.

Are you, uh... are you.

Planning on altering the menu?

Yeah, I can't do this right.

Now. Please, just...

- You know a lot is on the line today.

- I know.

That's why the menu.

Has to be perfect.

- But I can help you plan it.

- I can't do this right now.

Give me five minutes with my staff,.

I'll walk you through the menu.

I've done this before.

I can help guide you.

I don't need guidance.

Right now. I need space.

OK?

Thank you.

Could we have a little.

Privacy, uh, guys?

Huh?

I ask you to leave,.

You gotta look at Carl?

OK, everybody, tomen cinco.

Take five.

- You good?

- I got it. Go, go, go.

Grab a coffee.

- Let's get something straight.

- Yeah.

You don't fucking talk to my.

Staff like that. I talk to my staff.

That side of the pass is.

You, this side is me.

That was the arrangement.

When you hired me.

OK, now will you listen.

To me for a minute?

Carl, I get ideas.

Sometimes my ideas work.

I really don't care what magazine.

Said that you're the next big thing.

The fact is, you work for me,.

In my restaurant, right?

I've had chefs before.

You in this kitchen.

- I'll have chefs after you. OK?

- Alright, good talk.

- Let me get back to work.

- You know who's coming tonight.

We're being reviewed by the most.

Important critic in the city.

- Yes. I'm aware.

- His online blog was sold to AOL...

- For $10 million.

- That's right.

- You knew that?

- Yes, I know.

- OK.

- He's a big deal.

- That's why I wanna cook a good menu.

- You wanna cook a good menu?

- I wanna cook him some good food.

- Yeah. Well, then...

And our place is in a.

Fucking creative rut.

- In a rut?

- In a creative rut.

You do know we're doing better than.

Any place in the neighbourhood?

I'm not talking about how.

Much money we're making,.

I'm talking about creatively...

The food that we're serving.

We've served the same.

Food for five years.

Remember what happened when.

You put guts on the menu?

Are you talking about my sweetbreads?

Is that what you mean?

Yeah. When you put that artsy shit.

On the menu, people don't like it.

Not one person ordered.

Your sweetbreads.

Please listen to me.

I sank a fortune into the remodel.

To get you the French cooking top,.

Whatever it is, that tabletop.

- French cooking suite.

- Right.

Not every chef gets that.

You know why you get it?

- I appreciate it.

- Do you know why?

Because you deserve it.

See, you don't know that.

But I know it.

You deserve it.

So be smart just for tonight.

Look, if you bought Stones tickets.

And Jagger didn't play.

'Satisfaction', how would you feel?

Would you be happy?

- No.

- No!

You'd burn the place.

To the fucking ground.

Your menu works.

People love it.

Carl, do what you want tonight.

OK? You're the chef.

You know what I think?

I think you should play your hits.

Alright, let's go. Pre-shift, guys.

Big night tonight.

Here's what we're doing.

We're gonna go with the favourites.

Starting with the caviar egg...

Scallop, French onion soup...

Frise salad...

Lobster risotto...

Filet.

And we're gonna finish.

Strong with a crowd pleaser,.

Chocolate lava cake.

Talk to Molly about wine pairings.

Let me know when he gets here.

And let's have fun.

Put your heart in it, people,.

Big night. Let's have some fun.

Good, good.

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm so tired of on-my-own.

Won't you help me, girl,.

Just as soon as you can?

People say that I've found a way.

To make you say that you love me.

Hey, baby, you didn't go for that.

It's a natural fact.

That I wanna come back.

Show me where it's at.

Baby, yeah.

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm so tired...

Dad.

Dad.

Dad! Come on. Let's go.

Look! It's up, it's up. It's up,.

It's up. The review's up.

To the review. Here we go.

- To you, baby, to you.

- Here we go.

- My culinary hero.

- To the team.

"Gauloises - eager to please.".

- Whoo!

- Yes!

"10 years ago, I had the.

Good fortune to dine.

"at Chef Casper's revelatory.

Miami bistro, Marrow.".

- Miami in the house!

- Marrow, baby!

That's your house!

"The sheer audacity of this fresh,.

Brave voice of the culinary scene.

"reminded me why I write.

About food as a vocation.".

- Yeah!

- That's a lot of pressure.

"It is nearly impossible to separate.

My glowing regard for Chef Casper.

"and how much he inspired me from my.

Expectations as I sat down to dine.

"at the recently remodelled.

Brentwood Gallic staple, Gauloises.".

- Yeah, this is good!

- "Oh, how times have changed.

"Over the last decade, Carl Casper has.

Somehow managed to transform himself.

"from the edgiest chef in Miami.

"to the needy aunt that gives.

You $5 every time you see her.

"in hopes that you will like her,.

"but instead causes you to.

Shrink from her cloying embrace.

"which threatens to smother you.

In her saggy, moist cleavage.

"The signature app,.

"intended to impress the.

Country club brunch crowd,.

"is the caviar egg.

"A shirred egg topped.

With a dollop of caviar.

"is an excuse for the.

Chef to overcharge us.

"for his insecurity and.

Lack of imagination.

"Carl Casper can best be summed.

Up by the first bite of his needy.

"and yet by some miracle.

Also irrelevant.

"chocolate lava cake.

"Casper didn't even have the.

Courage to undercook the cake,.

"thus curiously lacking its.

Signature molten centre.".

"This sad dessert is emblematic.

"of Carl Casper's.

Disappointing new chapter.

"His dramatic... weight.

Gain can only be explained.

"by the fact that he must be eating.

"all the food sent.

Back to the kitchen.".

Two stars.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Everyone loved it.

He loved it, even.

Then Why'd he write all that mean.

Shit about me? About my food?

Who cares? Who cares?

I do. 'Cause I could.

Have done better.

I should have cooked the.

Shit I was gonna cook.

You're ignoring the fact.

That everyone was happy.

And you're making a problem.

Where there's no problem.

It's not hard to make people happy.

There's certain things you could put on.

A menu that'll make everybody happy.

If you put ahi tuna on a.

Menu, it will sell out.

It's guaranteed. You know that.

But I cooked the beef cheek,.

Which is a better dish,.

And nobody wants to even try it.

- It was good, though.

- Yeah, for family meal.

Well, who you cooking for, though?

That's my point.

Why do I have to pick?

Why do I have to choose?

Why can't I have both?

There are chefs that cook.

Food that they believe in.

And people will try because.

They're open to a new experience.

And they'll end up liking it.

- What do you want me to say to you?

- The truth.

You want me to tell you.

That you're the best chef.

That I ever worked with.

And it's true, because you are.

You are, Carl. You are the best.

Chef I've ever worked with.

- OK.

- I mean it.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

- We both agreed not to do that.

- I know.

Why don't I just.

Cook you something?

Oh, OK. Fuck it. Let's go.

Mmm!

Mom wants to talk to you.

Inez?

Inez.

Are you OK?

I got two stars.

Getting two stars is good, right?

I mean, I don't read that.

Shit normally, but, you know,.

Then he starts writing all this.

Personal shit about me and...

How many people you got working?

You got, like, 50 people.

And Percy's 10 years old.

Does he still need a nanny?

He's in school all day. What does.

She even do here? Hi, Flora.

- Hi, Mr Carl.

- I mean, what does he need...

- What's she doing here?

- You know that he's hurt, right?

Because I was late? I already.

Apologised to him. We're fine.

Late? He waited for you for.

One hour alone outside.

Well, I didn't realise.

It was that long.

It's just... that.

Was the day that...

You're right.

I didn't like what.

They wrote about you.

I didn't like it either.

It hurt, alright?

You OK?

I'm alright.

Good.

I'm gonna make it up to him.

- That was fun, right?

- Yeah.

- Where you going?

- I gotta work on a menu.

It's still early. Can I watch?

Yeah, sorry, it's at work.

- I won't get in the way.

- Yeah, I gotta go work.

- OK. 'Bye.

- We'll have fun next week.

OK.

What the hell are you doing here,.

Man? What's this madness, huh?

- This is crazy.

- Yeah.

- You didn't go home, did you?

- No.

- Come here. Check it out.

- Go home, man.

- You've been here all night. Go home.

- Come here.

Get some sleep. Fuck Twitter.

Come on, get outta here.

"Fuck Twitter"? What are you.

Talking about, "Fuck Twitter"?

I mean, you know, fuck 'em.

That's what I mean.

- Who reads that shit anyhow?

- I'm not on Twitter.

I don't know what.

You're talking about.

Nothing. Just classic bullshit.

What is that?

- That's carne asada. Check it out.

- Wow.

Wow!

- Good?

- It's fucking unbelievable, man.

- Is it?

- Holy shit!

- No, seriously.

- No, I'm serious.

- Tell me the truth.

- I'm telling you the truth.

- It's incredible.

- Is it good seasoning?

- The seasoning's perfect.

- Roll that shit!

Chef Big Dog up all night cooking!

- Come on in, buddy.

- Come here.

- Tony, check this out.

- Shut up and taste this, amuse douche.

- Come here.

- What we got?

- Wow.

- It's good?

Huh? Look at that.

- Too much heat?

- That's perfect, Chef.

- It's good? Seasoning?

- Oh, it's perfect.

- It's nice and spicy.

- You like it?

- Oh, man.

- Ha, jefe? Look at that.

- I do.

- Yeah?

- It's fucking great.

- Is it good?

- Don't fuck with me.

- But it's so good.

- See, jefe? I told you.

- It's flavourful as fuck, man.

- It's nice, right?

- Umm.

- Is.