Review of Chaplin (2011) by Allegra F — 17 Mar 2010

I despise hyperbole. Let me just say that first. Now, when I say that Robert Downey, Jr. has the most beautiful eyelashes this side of a woman in the history of the universe, I honestly do not believe I am evoking hyperbole.

What does this have to do with Chaplin? Well, it STARS Robert Downey, Jr.'s Eyelashes, that's what! And while Eyelashes prances around delightfully for a good third of the film, the parts where they're not blinking furiously, attracting men, women, and man-women alike by their sheer seductive power, are incredibly HORRIBLE and BORING and COMPLETELY INTOLERABLE.

No, no - those aren't hyperboles either. I dare you to watch this movie (preferably on Hulu, like I did) and not want to strangle yourself by the sixty minute mark. I knew that as soon as the film suddenly jumped from having Charlie Chaplin as a little boy to some gangly teen that this movie was going to be hard to get through.

The pacing was so, so off and completely confusing. The attempt at a frame narrative was annoying and cliche, and not very useful considering it made me even more confused than I was at the beginning! And Charlie Chaplin was a comedian, amongst the numerous other things hats he donned, but I laughed very few times.

The part that I did laugh at was probably the best part in the film; it was interesting and genuinely well-done. It was about halfway through the film, and I would tell you what was going on, but I really wasn't sure, considering how confused I was.

Regardless: the editing resembled the jerkiness of some of Chaplin's own silent movies. It was quite funny to see them reenact that in real life. Oh yes, it was. It would have been better had we been able to see the Eyelashes (they were covered up).

So, yes, that was really the only entertaining part of the entire film. The rest was just a montage of naked girls, fake British accents, real American accents, more naked girls, laughter at dinner parties, and the occasional subtitle that tried to convince the viewer that this nearly 2 and a half hour film was not the pile of confusion that it was.

"No!" Mr. Attenborough cried to his editor. "We can't let the audience in on our ruse! We must mess with their minds so that our movie is looked at kindly by the Academy (both American and British)! We must tell them the TIME and the PLACE of each scene!" And that is what Mr.

Attenborough and his hard-worked editor did. Why was this movie so confusing, even with its oh-so helpful subtitles? Because of the pacing, stupid! Why aren't you paying attention to what I'm saying? The pacing was so horrible that one second Robert Downey's Eyelashes would be so young and obedient and the next he would be all gray-haired and misty-eyed, married to the second of his four wives.

I found this movie so confusing, boring, and horrible that I didn't even know he had four wives until the credits! Look, I am not the biggest fan of biopics to begin with, but I've seen some really great ones.

This does not rank up with those. This doesn't even rank with the bad ones. No, Chaplin, you're in your own little category of mediocre, right there next to...those other movies I can't remember.

Those Eyelashes may be beautiful, but I'm not so sure I will remember them soon enough, either. Sorry, RDJE, there's a reason you didn't win that Oscar, and it wasn't all your fault. This movie was just too poor.

Good luck, and I look forward to see you fluttering again in your next film (with Zach Galifianakis, I hear!).