Review of Caligula (1979) by Josh G — 30 Nov 2008

Caligula is a movie ahead of its time. The world just wasn't ready for boring, almost incoherent history augmented by scenes of hardcore sex. Oh, if only we had known the gift that had been bestown upon us back in 1980! What fools we have been!

Yes, Caligula is everything that you have heard it is. There is a tremendous amount of male and female nudity. There is a lesbian couple in a 69 position. There is a scene where several men masturbate into a collection plate or something. There is a necrophilia/golden shower scene. There is oral sex. There is a massive, unending orgy scene -- and yes, there is a sex scene involving an, ahem, small person. Even though I have just told you all of these things, you will not be prepared for any of it. You will stare at the screen, jaw hanging open in disbelief, repeating to yourself, "Oh my god. Oh my god. Is this really happening?".

It is.

But Caligula is much more than pornography: it is a history lesson. The movie takes place in pagan Rome, as the Caesar Tiberius (Peter O'-freakin'-Toole) is nearing death. It is young Caligula who is intent on succeeding the ailing Caesar. Caligula (Malcolm McDowell) is basically Anakin Skywalker, a sweet young kid who is easily turned to unspeakable evil -- immature and inexperienced and unsure how to be a good evil ruler. After becoming the new Caesar, there are funny scenes with our protagonist deciding who wins a legal case by pretending to weigh the two sides in his hands and calling it justice.

That's the thing about the movie, actually. It would be easy to say that Caligula is all about hardcore sex and therefore skimps on the story, but that is just simply not the case. The story is very much involved -- it just happens to stop every so often for some good, old-fashioned anal fisting. I'm tempted to agree with professional critic James Kendrick when he says that the film "succeeds only in being alternately boring and offensive".

The unrated version of the film that I saw came in at 156 minutes, over two and a half hours long. You will likely find more enjoyment watching this film with a group of friends so that you can laugh at it, but it's difficult to sit through two-and-a-half hours of this. It takes an hour before Caligula becomes the Caesar, even though practically nothing seems to happen before then. It's sloooooow-moving.

Which is not to say that the movie is totally reprehensible. There are many intentionally humorous, well-written scenes. For instance, when announcing the death of Tiberius, Caligula demands an onion to sniff so that he can muster some tears (in order to appear upset). And then there's a great scene where Caligula loses it completely in a rainstorm, doing a war-dance in the nude.

It's just that these few intelligent moments are overshadowed by the long stretches of yawn-inducing dialogue, the shocking violence, and the cringe-worthy sex scenes.

Caligula is a very bad film, but it didn't have to be. It was based on an original screenplay by Gore Vidal, for chrissakes. Oh, what it could have been... and there are still those few moments where you can see what was possible, but what was ultimately forgone in favor of extended fellatio sequences, which aren't even erotic so much as confusing and disturbing.

So, yeah. I'd recommend it.