Review of Burlesque (2010) by Jamie B — 02 Sep 2011

I'm not really sure why, because it seems like the lovechild of Coyote Ugly and Showgirls, but I think I want to see this anyway...

...Maybe Peter Gallagher's eyebrows just put a spell on me or something in the trailers because after watching Burlesque I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to do so. I haven't seen Showgirls which makes it hard to compare the two, but I can tell you this: Burlesque fails quite miserably at most of the things that weren't horrible about Coyote Ugly. The biggest problems are Xtina and Kristen Bell. Aguilera is the complete opposite of a sweet-and-perhaps-also-slightly-spunky-country-girl-with-big-talent. Except maybe for the talent part. I'll give her that one even though I think she oversings the shit out of practically everything she has ever attempted to vocalize. But Ali the performer just comes off as too bitchy to compete with Piper Perabo's shy little songwriting Violet. Piper was endearing and perfect and it never hurts to have John Goodman play your father either. Then there's Kristen Bell. I cringe at the casting here. She's just too cute and tiny to make a believable drunken, pissed off diva so Bridget Moynahan is the obvious winner. Cher and Stanley Tucci are a sort of cute team, but despite Cher's legend status, I still prefer Maria Bello's gruff, harder-to-win-over owner. Maria's bark might be worse than her bite, but Cher's bark is more like a meow that shows you how to put on make-up. I'm not sure which Burlesque cast member corresponds to Tyra Banks, but no one's forehead could ever win in a battle against hers so the victory still goes to Coyote Ugly. Then there's the dude. Cam Gigandet may be the clear winner if this contest was based on looks and physique alone, or even if it was based on looks, physique, and quantity of guyliner worn, but luckily for Mr O'Donnell, charm and fun accents are weighted much more heavily than guyliner and silly hats here. Score another one for Coyote Ugly! One of the only positive things I can recall about Burlesque was Julianne Hough which is weird because she had a tiny part. Maybe it was her spectacular dancing (was is spectacular?) or her gorgeous hair (it was gorgeous!). Why is a mystery really, but I liked her and Stanley Tucci.