Review of Bullet to the Head (2012) by Austin H — 06 Jul 2013

Bullet to the Head // Warner Bros. // Action.

I was about to write a paragraph long description of the plot to Walter Hill's Bullet to the Head but quickly realized it's not worth the four minutes of my life it would take. Here's what you need to know; based on a graphic novel (a form of media that seems to produce only awesome films or absolutely awful ones) Sly Stallone plays Jimmy Bobo, a hit-man who is double crossed after murdering a corrupt cop. He's out for revenge and teams up with DC Detective Taylor Kwan to take down the bad guys.

Some people will try to tell you that this is a good old-fashioned 80s style action movie, over the top with violence and one liners. Don't listen to them, it's a trick. It's a goofy, nonsensical movie with lame characters, some of the worst acting you'll ever see, and unintentional hilarious moments. It's the kind of movie that will have you saying things like "this movie sucks" out loud in less than twenty minutes, and I can't imagine anyone finishing it unless they have the sunk cost of having already paid for it.

Stallone is what Stallone is these days -- a walking self parody with marbles in his mouth. He mumbles his way through his lines while barely moving his bottomed face, occasionally murdering someone in a turkish bath. The amazing thing is he's not even the worst acting buddy in this buddy action movie. Sung Kang is a clearly a graduate of the Paul Walker School of Acting, the only place on earth where you can learn to recite even the easiest and most natural lines like you're reading off a teleprompter. Christian Slater reminds you why he's not in real movies anymore, and Jason Momoa reminds you why Khal Drogo wasn't asked to speak english.

Predictable while still remaining confusing, the script is an incoherent mess. Worst of all the action doesn't really even deliver, and the film fizzles to an unimpressive conclusion. A complete waste of everyone's time and a black mark on the resume of everyone involved.

* (out of 5).