Review of Branded (2013) by Vincent T — 07 Sep 2012

This movie or should I say MOO-VIE was a cow obsessed train wreck. It failed to be what it could have been, what it was advertised to be, what it was rumored to be, and even what it tried to be. It failed so miserably that it needed a narrator to announce back-story every 15 min and even to let you know what you were looking at while it's happening.

This movie is NOT a remake of any movie nor was it inspired by any movie esp. not one as good as John Carpenter's "THEY LIVE" 1986. If you thought that this movie was in any way, connected, inspired by or a remake of They Live you will be drastically disappointed.

This horrible film reminded me of a bad foreign film from Serbia. The low budget (not so special) effects and focus on Russia is a big clue to this being a foreign film with English speaking actors. The plot is ridiculous at best and that is in the rare moments that it makes any sense.

It's hard to tell whether this movie wants you to hate fat people and hamburgers or hate skinny people. It's not clear whether the movie wants me to hate advertising or invisible monsters that stick to the back of your head and make you want to eat crap.

This movie is only right in it's one simple concept "advertisers manipulate the media and conspiracy is the corporate way to engineer social behaviour". However the execution of conveying this simple message becomes convoluted and artsy, sagging with metaphor and silliness.

There are things that happen that are supposed to be dramatic and epic yet make you laugh out loud and ask what the f**** instead of reflecting on the absurdly obscure message buried beneath heaping tons of filler and nonsensical crap.

There is a pointless romance story, a dead end, pointless, villain representing "The Man", a pointless Cow God that communicates with the man hero and no clear resolution to anything. The main hero begins his journey pro advertising then runs from the business only to come back and play monster wars with corporate brands like some kind of delusional yet Godzilla sized Pokemon game in his head.

Was it all in his head? Who cares! After you curse yourself by watching this piece you'll understand what Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force meant when he said "None of this matters". Do yourself a favor and pay no money for this.

Redbox maybe. Netflix sure. Movie Hop yes (but youll still walk out). I stayed through this whole movie laughing at how bad it was. The only thing that I took from this movie was the education about a red calf ritual that actually exists in the bible and jewish lore.

Thanks movie you showed me in 2hrs what I could google in 5 min.