Review of Branded (2012) by Sharon H — 21 Jan 2013

There are some things that I will never understand in this world. Like how in the hell does a piece of shit like this gets made? Even my friends were asking me what the hell was this is and I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out these characters. This movie would have been dull if it were not so random and stupid you just can't help but keep on watching this film. Now that I think about it, maybe I should check my back for any of these parasites that probably leaked out of the DVD and into my living room. Now I know what you're thinking, "It cannot be that bad when it has...er, I mean it is about...um...What is this?" Well, my loyal lurkers, I will tell you what it is about but try not to get too attached to this review.

So apparently this movie is about a guy, who works in marketing, who goes off the grid after accidently giving his boss a heart attack. Then in a dream, he is asked to preform a sacrificial ritual which enables him to see creatures that are attached to humans in which they give us the need to buy fast food, new clothing, etc. Now he decides to go back into marketing and make it his personal mission to eliminate all advertisements. I swear to god I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried.

This movie has like five main actors but they're all either washed up or just D-list actors that they pulled from the Hollywood lot. The only actors you do notice are Leelee Sobieski and Jeffery Tambor, and he dies after the first forty minutes or so. The movie opens up with Max von Sydow and he plays this off like typical generic marketing villain and even then he's just there on the sidelines. Leelee Sobieski, who I haven't seen in a long time, comes in as this smart executive producer who speaks different languages but doesn't quite know how to say "No" in this movie. She keeps going back to Ed Stoppard 6 years later despite the fact that he remained a hermit, tells her she has a creature on her back, throws her on the ground, and almost accidently getting her kill by a Russian mob. It wants to have something to say about advertising, but it's like listening to one of those guys (who thinks they're smart) and talks about stuff but eventually gets lost in what they were saying until they just stop talking and say, "I don't know what I'm talking about anymore." The people who made this movie do not know what the hell they are talking about. They want to say something really profound about advertising and want it to combine it with a sci-fi story but eventually looses whatever it is they were trying to say. Overall if this is the best movie collaboration that both America and Russia has to offer then we should go back to the Cold War again. The lead character is not interesting at all, the CG for these creatures are pretty bleak, and just when you think that this movie is over it's not. They show one pointless scene after another. And for that I am going to give this only a one star rating.