Review of Boyhood (2014) by Alcindoromycine — 20 Jan 2017

At the end of the 165 minute film, I started to cry. I cried for about 10 minutes at how bad this movie was. I could not believe that I had wasted 2 hours and 45 minutes on a film that has accurately represented American mediocrity. I wasn't just blown away by the mediocrity of the film, I was also blown away by the films portrayal of a mediocre family. Do not mistake the intent of this critique, I wanted to honestly and accurately portray what I felt after watching this film. There are way too many things that were decidedly unprofessional, and mind you, I am taking it lightly on the children's' acting. There was one very interesting dynamic of the film that goes far beyond the screen which merits the only point I have to offer this pathetic film. Let us begin this dreadful evaluation.

There are many things that make this film disgustingly unappealing. The simple fact that it took 12 years to come up with mediocrity just shows lack of creativity. I did not enjoy watching a portrayal of a mediocre mother making extremely idiotic decisions whilst raising two children. Who still marks the doorframe to check up on height? Samantha using a phone during her elementary school years? That seems like bad parenting, just like the majority of this movie. Who pays money for cursing? While I grew up, if my parents heard cursing no matter where we were, someone was going to have it (I was an only child). Now don't get me wrong, my parents were never "abusive". They were aware of how to discipline in a controlled fashion and still manage to create a sense of respect and admiration from me. Next up, collecting rocks? Are you kidding? My parents made sure I never got into dirty habits such as collecting rocks or running around barefoot, or drinking at 15, or even having a cell phone. My parents never went on vacations without me during my developing years, my parents didn't allow me to say "whatever" as a response. My father never liked me playing video games, my father didn't drink until I was old enough to understand what occasion I should drink (age 20). Obviously I mention these things because the opposite of what happened to me happened in the film. All the things that you expect from an incredibly cliché family is included in the film, such as divorce (multiple). Drinking problems, high school problems, and college problems. If you name the ridiculous fad off the top of your head, it's probably here. Cliché divorced dad that give presents to make up for being a somewhat lousy father. Taking your kids to watch a game? Jesus, really? I can't take even remembering the film. Constant moving? Oh woe is me. Abuse? Woe is me. Don't worry I won't need to delve into the leftist stance this movie has, I would rather not stoop low enough as to talk about politics but this film shamelessly did so. Disappointed at father for a bad decision? Woe is me. The teachers advice in the darkroom was insightful at best. "Seniors having fun", that quote in my book is like a sin. Getting home late and ignoring advice? I did that once, lived outside for a week afterwards. This cast gave me a small tumor from rage.

Finally the only redeeming quality of the film was the fact that they made the story so broad and mediocre that most critics could relate and feel empathy for the film. The only strategy that worked is making the story broad enough for people to relate to it, despite it being complete trash.

Final Sentence: Boyhood is a good title because the kid never became a man.