Review of Boxing Helena (1993) by Vince K — 11 Sep 2009

A quadraplegic chick tells this guy she always wanted to be fucked. So he throws her in the ocean and goes, "There, you're fucked!" - Some asshole. Boxing Helena is the directorial debut of David Lynch's daughter, Jennifer (whose new film, Surveillance, I'm reviewing next).

There was a lot of controversy surrounding the film before its release, because Kim Basinger dropped out of the lead so the producers sued her. I guess the dumb blonde actually thought they were going to cut off her arms and legs and shove her in a box.

That's all I was hoping for and expecting out of this movie, a girl getting her arms and legs cut off and being stuck in a box. But in my fucked up imagination, I imagined something far more extreme than what you'll find in this film.

Julian Sands (who I'll always remember as the awesome title character in Warlock) plays a rich doctor who falls in love with and starts stalking this beautiful woman he once had an affair with. She's too busy now fucking a FULL-FRONTAL Bill Paxton, so he lures her to his home under false pretenses.

When she runs away, she is hit by a car which crushes her legs. So basically, being a renowned surgeon, he cuts them off and keeps her in his house captive. She is such a fucking cock-teasing bitch I couldn't wait for him to cut off her arms.

When she starts throwing shit at him and slapping him I was like CUT OFF THE FUCKING CUNTS ARMS ALREADY! You really feel no sympathy for her. Later her arms are missing (as is the scene where that happens), and she eventually starts developing STOCKHOLM'S SYNDROME and falls for the guy.

Pretty good directorial debut from Jennifer Lynch, too bad it took her 15 years to come out with another movie.