Review of Blue Crush (2002) by Daniel P — 23 Apr 2009

ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF RECORDED MARKETING MEETING, BILLABONG INC., JUNE, 2002*.

MARKETING DIRECTOR: Alright, word's just come down from the board that we need to sell more clothing, give it some more "mass appeal".

PRODUCT DIRECTOR: So, you're saying we should branch out into clothing other than surf wear...?

MD: What?? NO! That would cost a ton of money that we don't have, and it might not even work. We just need to make people buy what we're already making.

PD: So we should... advertise?

MD: Advertise? Where is there an advertising budget? We make clothes for surfing... we can't afford to advertise to anyone else.

PD: Ok, so we target surfers?

MD: No, no, no, we've got surfers. We need to target non-surfers.

PD: And how do we do that?

MD: We have to make them think surfing is popular... accessible... easy... fun... cool... you know...

PD: And how do you do that, exactly.

JANITOR SWEEPING FLOOR: Make a movie about it, dumbass.

MD: Yeah... yeah we could do that... or just throw some money at a movie someone's already making...!

JANITOR: There's a new one coming out about mountain climbing?

MD: Now, see, that's ridiculous. No one climbs mountains.

PD: So we get them to change the story...

MD: Yeah... and then they only wear Billabong... there's Billabong posters in the background... banners... sponsorships... surf gear...--.

PD: --and "casual wear"...

MD: Yeah, that's it! (PICKS UP TELEPHONE) Get me John Stockwell. (PAUSES, WAITS FOR CONNECTION) Hi - yeah, John, it's me, how are you? (PAUSE) Listen, you know that mountain climbing movie you're making? (PAUSE) Yeah, yeah, well how about surfing? (PAUSE) What do mean it changes the plot? (PAUSE) Story? What story? (PAUSE) Oh, the lazy Rocky plot... use "find and replace", climbing for surfing... yeah, yeah just change the names, no problem... no, no the plot's fine, I'm sure (PAUSE) whatever, you'll make it look good.

PD: Ahem...

MD: Sorry, Marty, hang on... (TO PD) What is it?

PD: Characters...

MD: Right. (BACK INTO PHONE) So what are the characters like? Yeah, you know the jock guy in the lead... make him a girl. (PAUSE) So what? A hot girl. (PAUSE) No, no, she doesn't have to know how to act, I don't care, just make sure she looks good. (PAUSE) Empathize? No, we don't want to empathize with her, we want to see her surf, dammit! (PAUSE) Yeah, just give her some kinda hot friends, but make sure she stands out... ok, get back to me. (PAUSE) What's that? Oh, yeah, costumes... well, that's why we called, we want to take care of that for you...

(END RECORDING.).

*Dramatization - may not have happened.