Review of Blair Witch (2016) by Laura M — 04 Mar 2017

To say that this movie has all very clichéd scenes is an understatement.

A great question to ask is: Have people in horror movies NEVER watched a single horror movie? If hypothetically I were dumb enough to take on an idiotic adventure such as this, I would watch a few horror classics starting with 'Evil Dead' and be advised of the following:

1. If u go to a haunted forest looking for a ghost - YOU WILL DIE.

2. If you still are stupid enough to go ahead, DON'T bring your friends along. THEY WILL DIE.

3. Ok so you still came, with your friends (sheesh). Please practice holding a video camera. You know you're going to film it. And get one which has autofocus. What's the point of saving on a camera when you know you're GOING TO DIE? People who will finally find your footage will still laugh at your stupidity but will at least admire your videography.

4. If you hear that the scary legends are true, then just assume they are true.

5. If 486 people before you died trying, they didn't all just slip and hit their head on a rock. They were killed by the ghost and you will be 487th.

6. Do NOT plan to spend the night. You guessed it. YOU WILL DIE.

7. If you DO spend the night and if in the middle of a night you hear a scary human like scream coming from the darkness, go back to sleep. Do NOT investigate. You do not need to save her, you can't. She awready dead.

8. When you are inside a haunted house, why, just WHY would you want to walk into dark corridors and open strange doors. Seriously, WHY?

9. Making fun of the evil spirits while you are in their jungle isn't a good idea. Best joke tellers usually die first.

10. If you are a pretty white girl, you might, just might - live - with a lifetime's worth of PTST but that's ok.

11. Don't bring your black friend. He WILL die. FIRST. Period. (Refer to Pt # 9. You know he's going to be funny :D ).

I could go on, but you get the gist :).