Review of Blackwater Valley Exorcism (2006) by Private U — 11 Mar 2008

This film was so terrible, I'm not even going to write a review for it. Oh, all right then... for the fans... (Ie: Me, how vain).

Blackwater Valley Exorcism is based on a true story of an Exorcism, somewhere in the world (let's face it, "Based on" means they can alter pretty much anything about the story without getting sued). In this case, the adopted setting is Texas, I think, or some other wide open area of the US. Our Gal Friday turns up inexplicably covered in blood, around 30 seconds into the film, and the whole thing dives from there. There's no tension built, no plot explained, and the characters are so thrown into our face without background, charisma, or acting ability (And I mean ANY of them), that we find it hard to care for any of them. When it realises it's failing in the acting part, they throw in some boobs to try and keep everyone focused, to poor effect. The plot line is ropey and stolen from far better efforts (I won't go into it now, but Exorcism of Emily Rose is a 5 star effort, I love it), the music overly dramatic and therefore stealing any tension building, and the acting. I know I mentioned it before, but let me reiterate. It's like an entire cast of Orlando Bloom and Nicholas Cage, blanding their way through macho yelling with extra stuble for no apparent reason other than because they're men so they CANT CRY, so they beat each other up. The hastily thrown backgrounds ensure that everyone has a dark secret, even the priest. The token Mexican ex-priest turned back to god character is so stereotyped that he may as well be called Gabriel. Mind you, I think he was called something equally Mexican stereotype. All in all, not the worst film I've seen, but it's in the bottom 10. I'm proud that I actually finished it, the worthless crap that it was.

Actually, I'm glad I reviewed it now, the rant made me feel better.

Oh, and the acting really did suck.