Review of Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010) by Jonathan S — 09 Apr 2010

This is the hardest hitting film on global warming.Ever.

Seriously. Watching it would make you wish that the English language had several more punctuation marks that you could manifest over your head in comical letterings.

This is a film about two people in a Californian town who deserve to be killed the moment they appear on screen. One is a lipstick smeared blonde who looks ready to suck on your blood next; the other is a cardboard cutout who spends half the movie driving around the town at an excruciatingly slow speed. Sadly, they don't get attacked till half the film is done. Hey, did you know that global warming causes bird flu? And bird flu provides the eagles with so much energy they can attack an entire town of humans? And that you can fight back these eagles with... hang on... with clothes hangers?? Two heavily stereotyped characters barge in midway and explain that all the bad that is happening is due to our "fossil fuel related activities." The protagonists nod, and then continue to burn enormous amounts of fossil fuels just to prolong the movie.

The acting is not just wooden, it would be much easier to make chunks of wood act. Everyone looks like they are giving a reluctant interview the morning after their pet dog died. The second best actor in the movie turns out to be, of course, Alan Bagh who looks like he's surreptitiously giving the nozzle a hand job every time he tries to fill his car tank. And that is about the most emotive moment he has on screen. The best actor? That'd be the eagle who was replicated a hundred times on the screen and who later lamely gave up its original divine intention of killing Bagh in favor of some female eagle seductress.

You'd think the dialogs can barely keep up with such high-quality acting, but James Nguyen the perfectionist leaves no loopholes here. The most romantic dialog in the movie is "I like sales. It suits my personality" and the most profound philosophical thought is "Hey, you know your girlfriend? She is my girlfriend's best friend!".

The best though, has to be this: the two main characters are stuck in their car, out of fuel, out of food, seemingly at the end of despair (you'd be hoping they just die already). Then the man jumps out, opens the trunk, and shouts "Oh look, a fishing rod. We can catch some fish." A second later, he yells, "Oh look, a stove. We can cook it." The touching innocence in his voice is bound to make you cry. You'll just keep hoping the next thing he says is, "Oh look, a deep pit. We can jump in." But that never happens, cause, you know, he still needs to flirt with his girlfriend while the birds attack.

Needless to say, you'll be so indoctrinated into the spirit of saving the world from global warming after this that you will voluntarily go out and pollute your neighborhood just to prove a point.