Review of Bernie (2012) by Scott K — 03 Dec 2012

I wanted to see Bernie in the theaters but didn't get the chance. When it popped up on Netflix, I became aroused and then watched it. And so should you. Watch it, that is...arousal is optional.

Two things in this movie stood out to me personally.

One is Jack Black's singing voice.

This movie is not a musical, but Jack Black's character, Bernie, does sing. And man, oh man alive, is Jack Black's voice wonderful.

It is Freddie Mercury-esque!!!

We've all heard him in Tenacious D and know he can sing...but really, this guy should just drop everything and become the "male Adele".

As good as his acting is in this movie, singing is his real talent.

I just wanna fall asleep and dream, to his sweet, angelic voice.

After that, the second thing that stood out to me revolves around a bit I came up with five years ago, the notion of "The Free Kill"...

I won't give up too much, in case you read this review and actually watch the movie...

...but Bernie is a kind-hearted individual who has a STELLAR reputation in the community and ends up committing a murder. Most of the town rallies around him to try and not get him convicted, and what happens is....

...Yea, watch the movie...

But my notion of a "free kill" is this...

Everyone in their lifetime should get one "free kill".

It's a common sense thing.

You get one and only one.

You present your case in front of the judge and the judge decides based on your case. So you have to be certain and smart how you use your kill.

There are three stipulations...

You can't substantially benefit monetarily from the kill.

It can't be a crime of passion killing(sorry KC Chiefs).

And it can't involve a traffic violation(or there would be no one left in California).

Here's an example...

It's Thanksgiving and you forgot to buy cranberries. So you go to the supermarket on the Wednesday before and it's busy(as you expected).

You got your can of jellied (not that whole shit) cranberries and you go to the Express check-out line.

****Side note**** Have you ever seen someone buying jellied cranberries in April? I mean they're sooooo tasty, but I've never seen this in my lifetime. I mean they really are delicious, like candy, but nobody eats/buys them except on Thanksgiving...

....anyways, back to it.

You're headed to the express line and someone cuts you off and gets to the line first.

Ok, they beat you to it. You're fine.

But, on top of that they have a full shopping cart. They have 40 plus items in a "ten items or less line".

And this person has just a regular cart full of goods. Nothing even Thanksgiving related. You process to yourself, "don't they realize it's Thanksgiving eve...couldn't they have shopped for this earlier in the week or after Thanksgiving when it's not as busy?".

But you keep your cool...

Then the cashier starts checking out the goods and this person is like "I thought the mac and cheese was 55 cents". So the cashier calls for a price check....

....time elapses and it turns out the mac and cheese was 75 cents. The manager is then called over(more time elapses) and an argument ensues. But the manager eventually relents and then has to type in their stupid multi-digit code and the transaction continues...

The cashier rings up the sale for the mac and cheese, totals the sale and then...

...out come the coupons!!!

You take a huge breath..."it's Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for so much, you say to yourself". Carry on.

One of the coupons is expired so the manager is called over, again. The customer argues about it and the manager relents, again(cos that's what managers do) and again types in their stupid code.

***side bar x2*** Why is this numbered code so frickin' long? It's always like 20 digits long? What's wrong with 1,2,3,4? I mean, they're approving a fucking 20 cents off coupon, not the nuke that blows up North Korea?

Anyways, the final total comes up and the customer feels like it's too much. So now every item is individually reviewed by the cashier and customer.

You hear the cashier tell the customer "You have to buy five of the ramen noodles to get five for $1. You only bought 4".

So the customer has the bagboy get them another "beef flavored" ramen noodle so they can get the discount.

You are now starting to angrily shake, and you are also contemplating "what the hell is 'beef flavored' anyways"?

The bagboy finally comes back with the beef fucking flavored noodles and the total transaction is agreed upon.

And then...the customer pulls out...

Change to pay for things!!!!!

"I wanna pay with these nickels", they say.

Your face is turning a violent red!

Of course, they don't have enough change to cover the total so they ask "can I write you a check for the rest?".

"Who writes g'damn checks anymore?!!!!!", you are asking yourself!

The cashier asks for an ID and the customer doesn't have their ID, as you would figure...

So the manager is called over. God knows why, because you know they will only waste your time and give in anyways....

and you can't fucking take it anymore!!!!!!!!

So you take your can of cranberries...

...I mean you take your can of (delicious, jellled) cranberries...

...and you beat this stupid, moronic, cheap, inconsiderate, rude, asshole, customer over the head with that jellied deliciouciousness until they can't breathe and you can't decifer between what is blood and what is berry!!!!!

And that's your "Free Kill".

The judge gathers and reads all of the evidence(I so eloquently wrote before you) and aquits you.

"That motherfucker deserved to die", the judge states!

Imagine if there really was a "one free kill" rule?

People would think twice before some of their silly actions.

There probably wouldn't be coupons and people would never pay with change...just in case the person behind you had "their kill to burn".

So go watch "Bernie". See if you feel me on that.