Review of Baywatch (2017) by Aaron H — 28 May 2017

- Baywatch? More like Bay Don't Watch!-.

Remember the gag at the end of 22 Jumpstreet where they run through about 25 different fake sequel ideas, one of which was "Semester at Sea"? Imagine that except the script was written by someone that had taken a single intro to screenwriting class so when Ice Cube told them they were doing a semester at sea Channing Tatum and Jonah looked at one another, then got up and walked out and you'll have what this movie WANTED to be.

I want to start with the disclaimer that I have never seen an episode of the original Baywatch TV show, so I can't speak to if they captured any of the spirit of the show. What I can say however, because it has been said by the cast, crew, and studio, is that this film was supposed a comedic and more self aware take on the lifeguard action drama show from the 90s. In the age of genre jumping reboots of shows and movies this idea presents nothing of substantial value. This is also the best summary of the movie, it doesn't present anything of any substance to either the legacy of the show it's reimagining nor to the life of anyone watching.

The film follows "Lieutenant" Lifeguard Mitch Buchannon (The Rock) and his team of Lifeguards and Lifeguard trainees, one of whom is arrogant Former Olympic Medal winning swimmer Matt Brody (Zac Efron) as they uncover a major drug scandal spreading across the beach. If this plot sounds familiar, it's probably because it isn't all that much different that even 22 Jumpstreet that I mentioned earlier. That isn't necessarily a bad thing though, for a comedy it isn't all that uncommon to follow a generic story, where this becomes an issue is that to differentiate yourself you're supposed to have witty, smart, and fun jokes/dialogue which this movie does not. Far too often it relies on loudness, vulgarity, and common jokes that you can find in most middle school classrooms.

None of the characters in this movie are likable, The Rock's character is a jerk that is above everyone and puts himself on a God tier, Alexandria Daddario is the stuck up hot girl that is there to swoon over, Kelly Rohrback is the ditsy blonde that is also there for swooning, and Jon Bass is...the comedic relief(?), I suppose he's the one that the audience is supposed to relate to but I'm not quite sure why he was in this movie other than the climax needed an extra body that, unlike the extra bodies belonging to the other supposed team members that never did anything, also happened to be a tech genius. None of these characters though could even hold a candle to the dislikability of Zac Efron's Brody. It was clear he was the main character, but he was nothing but an arrogant jock that earned none of the sympathy the movie wanted the audience to feel. Honestly, Zac Efron being cast in the role didn't help any because he has one of those faces that, especially in a movie based on a series about looks, is hard to feel sorry for, even in his worst moments you just feel like he has it better than a majority of those around him. It isn't his Efron's fault per se, but it didn't help the case.

In addition to being a comedy this was also supposed to be an adventure movie, but the effects were funnier than half the jokes. Whether it be a background so clearly green screened that it hurt, a fire that looked almost Microsoft painted in, or a motorcycle that completely disappeared upon impact against the rail on a pier I was pulled out of the movie numerous times because of effects that didn't look good.

I'm a huge fan of The Rock, and I've come around on Zac Efron as an actor, and I really really wanted to love this movie, but nothing about this movie really felt like it was landing properly. There were absolutely moments that I laughed, but I was able to figure out minuscule details from the climax in the opening minutes of the film which is a problem. That coupled with plot inconsistencies, such as lack of understanding of how the Cloud works even though they reference leaks earlier in the movie, caused sitting through this movie to be a chore and an all around pain.

There are some fun moments including cameos and inside jokes you might not expect, but overall I can't see myself ever watching this movie again and I can't recommend anyone watching it at all.