Review of Baywatch (2017) by Ethan J — 20 Jun 2017

'BAYWATCH' was directed by Seth Gordon and stars Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron and Priyanka Chopra. When a dead body washes up on shore, Mitch and his team of lifeguards launch a full scale investigation to uncover the truth behind this sinister plot.

Let me start by saying I've never watched the TV show and thus have no bias either way in this review. That said, I actively disliked this movie. Johnson's charisma and Efron's dead guy fetish do not keep this movie from sinking(no pun intended). It's a lazily written script that devolves into toilet humour, which some genuinely clever and funny jokes sprinkled in that NO ONE aside from myself laughed at at my screening. The demographic for this movie will be primarily fans of the show, and fans of this toilet humour. If you like that, fine but don't tell me it is comedic genius or the best comedy ever made because I will punch you.

I mean you don't watch this film for the plot but I may as well comment on it for those who have a positive intelligence quotient. It's a messy, incoherent blur of random plot threads that are messily stitched together to form something resembling a plot. It's not interesting. It's not clever. It's not even cheesy in the fun way. It's just a bland, dull by-the-numbers drug plot that tries to act smarter than it is(the villain actually says that mid film) and ultimately fails.

Now for the positives. All the acting was spot on from Dwayne Johnson to Zac Efron to Alexandra Daddario, with the exception of one. Johnson is disturbingly charismatic and Efron is a dumb guy. Both actors have been typecast but it works well in the context of the film. Jon Bass was good as the comic relief and didn't come of as forced(sometimes). He was funny in most of his scenes. The only performance in this movie I cannot praise was Pryanka Chopra. She was a cliché villain with a cliché plan and gave a very dull, not even cheesy fun performance.

This movie is compotently shot and edited but if you are considering watching this film(or have already watched it, disagree with me and are gonna downvote this because our opinions differ) then you probably aren't looking for technical perfection. There was an overuse of slow motion, however. I get this was a thing in the show but they could have reigned it in... a lot.

The visual effects in this movie are some of the worst I've ever seen put to film, with any indication of effort. 'The Last Airbender' was more realistic in its entirety than this movie was in TWO fire/explosion effects. They were abysmal and even George Lucas would cringe looking at them.

Now for the main concern, is the film funny. Yes and No. There are some jokes, as stated before, that are clever and will make you laugh if you pay attention. That and the comic relief was also pretty good. Aside from that and some of Johnson's charisma, the comedy devolves to toilet humour. TWO of the leading jokes in this movie and related to a man's (use your imagination) and neither of them work. They are lazy, go on way too long and are played just as a cheap gag and as a way to bloat screen time.

Then there is the atrocious action. This movie had two main action sequences and both are awful. They look fake as heck and don't have the credibility to make them fall into the cheesy fun category.

If you enjoyed this movie, good for you; don't rub it in my face. If you haven't seen this movie(which I imagine you haven't), I cannot recommend it. It's cheap, lazy and has little redeeming qualities. I'll rate it a generous 4 Taint Jokes out of 10.