Review of Baywatch (2017) by Kristofer H — 27 May 2017

Proper Perspective: An extremely likeable cast, a fun 90's show brought to the big screen, and a built in easy to follow format to make at least a passable movie. Unfortunately, a six person screenwriting team (look it up, SIX people wrote this) and poor direction make this another below average comedy. Let's talk about Baywatch (2017)...

Official Synopsis: Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchanan butts heads with a brash new recruit. Together, they uncover a local criminal plot that threatens the future of the Bay.

Plot: Another comedy with a slapstick premise decides to be a drama too. Stop it.

Take: Let's start off with the good stuff here. The actors are all very, very likeable and try hard to make the lines and this plot entertaining. Bless their hearts, even in the marketing they tried to sell this as a movie they were very proud of and is a comedy classic in its own right. It is not.

There were some funny bits, mostly seen in the trailers.

Then it becomes a drama where a lifeguard who calls himself a Lieutenant tries to stop a drug ring, while the cops basically ignore tips and advice. Everyone in this film is incompetent. The cops are represented by one beat cop (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) who is jealous of the lifeguards. He is actually one of the funnier elements of this movie.

The villain, Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra) has literally two goons (Amin Joseph and Jack Kesy) and is supposed to represent basically a crime kingpin. The politician, Councilman Rodriguez (Oscar Nunez) has no security and is easily dispatched. The morgue has no staff, apparently. Other than the legend of Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) every important person is absolutely awful at their job, and not in a comedic way.

The rest of the lifeguards, C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), Stehpanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera), Ronnie (Jon Bass), Summer (Alexandra Daddario), and Matt Brody (Zac Efron) were all movie clichés.

They wrapped all the "untapped potential, self-destructive" clichés into Efron. All the goofy, but loveable and smart clichés into Bass. The "comic basically playing himself" scenes all went to Hannibal Buress. Then all of the "I am uber hot but like the loveable smart guy" clichés were stuffed into Rohrbach.

It took six writers to do this folks. Six.

The plot was overstuffed. There was Bass's story, of a guy who has a crush on a lifeguard and wants to be a part of the team, but he is not an athletic guy. Efron had a redemption storyline. Johnson, the cop, and the baddies had the drug storyline. Daddario wanted to be a lifeguard and also bonded with Efron.

SIX WRITERS!!!!

Recommendation: The movie is overstuffed, too self-serious in moments, and then wants to be slapstick again the next. It is a shame, because I liked all the characters, I generally like the director, and want to see a sequel despite the poor movie I just saw. My friend thought this was hilarious. I did not. Take that for what it is worth.

Johnson had a running gag of calling Efron's character a pop singer. Then, blew the High School Musical at a random spot in the second act. Sigh...