Review of Battleship (2012) by Myffubs — 28 May 2012

The film adaptation of Battleship proves to be about as poor as one might imagine. The movie rips off a number of recent flicks -- namely of the alien-invasion-leads-to-mass-destruction variety -- most of which are derivative enough as it is.

Thusly viewers get a simultaneously bloated and watered down translation of the popular Hasbro game. One sequence comes close to dramatic line readings of "B3!"/"Hit!" with related visuals, but most of Battleship comes off as an excuse to, say, blow stuff up real good.

Of course the movie can barely do this well; the action scenes are so poorly edited that one can barely make sense of the confusion. Bright lights and loud noises bombard the senses. The rest of the movie involves several pasted together subplots featuring a parade of cliches -- such as a rebellious Navy lieutenant seeking the approval of his girlfriend's father while also learning to take command of his men; the aforementioned girlfriend's work with a wounded veteran, who learns how to accept the loss of his legs and respect himself again; the scientist whose work brought on the alien invasion, and his reluctant stabs at bravery.

This would all be well and good if these matters were given the thought and time they deserve, but instead, the filmmakers decide to throw aliens at everyone, and their attributes become decorations. Not that one should expect more from a movie based on a board game, but the characters are too poorly defined to care about.

Again much of the alien invasion is not well done. The effects are decent but more often than not indiscernible, and some of the designs are simply lazy. A mildly rousing conclusion featuring a historical battleship and WWII vets comes off as too little, too late to save this hulking train wreck.

There is a cultural problem with movies like these, ones eager to depict mass destruction without pausing to consider the presumed loss of life. Typically they earn a PG-13 rating, allowing audiences too young for R-rated flicks to bear witness.

But how exactly is the younger generation supposed to feel when buildings in Hong Kong are destroyed, especially when the movie flaunts its big explosions and toppling buildings? Those eagerly awaiting the next Transformers sequel or some similarly brain-dead nonevent will likely enjoy this movie.

Others should simply steer clear. Battleship is one of those movies no one will really remember in a few years, let alone in a few months.