Review of Battleship (2012) by Thedrauch — 01 Oct 2012

Though 'Battleship' wasn't the cinematic abortion I anticipated it to be (it's more like a cinematic miscarriage), it remains an unoriginal, exhausting, drawn-out, ridiculous experience. It lives up to all of the trappings of any standard summer action blockbuster and could easily be mistaken for another installment in the Transformers series (Transformers 4: The Revenge of Peter Berg).

The resulting picture bears barely any resemblance to the game it is based off of and what respects the film does pay to its origins are more cringe-induced than tongue-in-cheek references (Really? The robots' missiles are actually peg shaped?) A better move might have been to have just ditched the board game idea and simply created an "original" product.

As far as special effects are concerned, I remember when visuals and slow-motion were aspects of filmmaking used when necessary for effect, rather than as a time-filler to make up for an absence of originality.

But even when the filmmakers realize this, they still feel the need to throw in factors like plot and characters, while their focus always remains on the razzle-dazzle. I would be more satisfied simply watching images going by, having no brain stimulation whatsoever, than being forced to watch uncomfortable looking actors try to bring out bland, ridiculous stock characters.

In fact, I believe that watching robots blow each other up will cause less brain damage than watching these faux characters interact, if they are misconstrued as deep, real people. Not to say that there aren't any pleasures to be had at all in 'Battleship'.

One, for instance, involves the frenetic pursuit of a burrito that, although less absurdly inspired than just plain absurd, delivers some zany fun to an otherwise airless movie. However, as a whole, 'Battleship' can't manage to stay afloat (stupid pun not intended).