Review of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993) by Jeff A — 06 Jul 2009

I am often under the apparently mistaken belief that cartoons, especially those based on comics, are for children. I believe this because as a child any story portrayed by cartoons, even if it was the title sequence to another programme, became fascinating, and any not portrayed with cartoons took a lot of effort to concentrate on. So this Batman cartoon baffles me. It's boring. Slow and uneventful. And it's not for children. But who the hell else is watching a Batman cartoon? Answer: I really don't want to know.

Some guy in a mask is killing mobsters and the police think it's Batman. I think that's the plot, but it was so dull I'm feeling sleepy just trying to remember.

All the characters look the same, a lot like Superman actually, which makes it visually disengaging. Then the pace is so slow it's been declared dead. Add to this the blandest, most uninteresting romance, which for some unfathomable reason is supposed to have somehow shaped Batman's entire life - truly, he is the world's most boring superhero (no superpowers). There are no characters here (except possibly Alfred). It is lifeless. I sat there waiting for something a bit, y'know, like a comic to happen. And long after the film should have rightfully been buried, the Joker finally turned up. And for a fleeting breath, I was relieved. Only, he's disturbing. This seriously is not suitable for children. So I wanted him to go away again then. But what does that leave? A mystery that Dr Frankenstein couldn't animate some life into. Also, it's very Scooby Doo - this killer is magic, only it's just a costume, so how did he do all those magic things? - except of course, Scooby Doo is fun.

And when it finally coughs to the actual ending, if you're still awake, it doesn't resolve whether the police are still mistakenly after Batman and what happened to the Joker. So another mystery pointlessly goes nowhere. Gee, thanks Batman.