Review of B.A.P.S (1997) by Danny R — 16 Sep 2015

Fuck this movie too.

Halle Berry and Martin Landau did this movie.

Basically a fish out of water / culture collision movie. Much like Soul Plane, let's make fun of white people! They sure are stuffy and uptight!

Big nails. Big Hair. Horrible outfits. Yes, this movie has everything. BAPS ladies and gentleman! Black American PrincesseS.

Basically, the BAPS see a commercial to become Heavy D's sexy video girl and it pays $10,000. Halle Berry has a dream to own a fucking restaurant / salon and those run about $10,000 so this is perfect. The BAPS go and realize that this is a sham, no real audition. Just a guise by Martin Laundau's nephew Isaac. The guise?

Get his uncle, Laundau, to leave HIM his riches.

How? Shit, I don't know and I watched the mother fucker. Even the Flixster description is trying to figure it out. It doesn't know either and it's Flixster.

So basically this really complicated plan happens. Isaac hires these two African American chicas because Laundau once loved an African American maid named Lily. Laundau is pretty fucking ancient, so this is probably back in the 50s when Jim Crow laws were still intact and Laundau looked like he dropped N bombs left and right, so I bet you Lily didn't love his racist fucking ass back. But hell, Laundau is old and decrepit so why not give an old dying racist a final wish. The two BAPS have to pretend to be Lily's grandchildren.

How this is supposed to get his nephew all the riches? I'm not sure. Seemed like Laundau had no other friends other than his butler, Manley, and Isaac. So why would you introduce two women? Doesn't Isaac know that old white guys love giving young big breasted women who wear cheetah pants all of their money? Anna Nicole did marry a corpse a few years before this movie came out. So whatever.

Then come hilariou....well come scenes that happen with BAPS and the butler, MANLEY. He always looks like he smelled a five year old's fart. Classic crotchety old man butler, BUT the BAPS rub off on him. To the point where he starts saying shit like, WEST SIDE!

Isn't that funny? You aren't laughing? Hmmmm..

Also Martin Laundau starts busting a move near the end of the movie. Fucking christ. I'm surprised we didn't see a rapping grandma. Probably a deleted scene.

So finally the ALS or whatever Laundau has (overwhelming guilt of a bigot perhaps? OGofB!) and he's in his death bed. The BAPS still call him Mr. whateverthefuckhisnamewasinthemovie, but they've learned to love him. This is where Laundau also tells the BAPS that he knew it was a ruse the whole time, Lily never had any children. Gasp?

He probably murdered her .BAPS were probably thinking they fucked this guy for no reason. Isaac is just creepily standing around with a shit eating grin.

UNTIL HIS COMEUPPANCE!

When they go to the lawyer's, turns out BAPS get his inheritance (who would have fucking seen that coming?) and then the sound goes out and Orchestral swells hit. BTW, this movie was always hitting the Orchestral swell, trying to get those tear glands going.

So this scene continues, but no sounds. Just orchestra playing. And you see the lawyer moving his mouth, and you see Isaac flipping his shit but no words coming out because you need the ORRRRCHEESSTRAALL SWELLLLLL!!!!

So the BAPS open up their fucking stupid restaurant / saloon thing. And I think that's it. Really.

I still don't have any clue why Isaac thought this plan would work. Maybe I'm missing a key detail or something. Like he would have them sign a contract that says, "any inheritance you get, I get" or something. But whatever it is, it sounds MORE complicated than just letting that old man die. Maybe it was to get Laundau to die faster? But couldn't he just find a way to kill him? Like a sneaky poison? Or maybe spooking the guy when he's walking down the stairs.

Or maybe do what normal people do and trick Laundau into signing a document that would give all his money to Isaac.

Shit, really why did Isaac do any of this?! Oh I'm not gonna go back and watch it.

I give this 1 perm out of 5.