Review of As Above, So Below (2014) by Diego T — 06 Sep 2014

I normally wouldn't see a film like As Above/So Below, and if I ever got the inclination, I'd normally pirate it online to save spending money on this crap. However, my friend Will hates horror movies and refuses to watch them (hell, he was freaked out by Jaws), so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to trick him into seeing a found-footage flick. Say what you will about this gimmick, but found-footage usually elicits good results from people who aren't experienced with the horror genre, and this was no exception. Poor Will, who thought he was seeing a shaky-cam version of National Treasure at first, ended up sitting stupefied as he closed his eyes and plugged his ears through most of the movie's climax. So, speaking as someone with slightly more (yet still minimal) experience with the horror genre, was this a scary movie? In parts, yes. Other parts were so stupid I laughed out loud in the middle of the theater. But one thing was consistent about both of these aspects of the movie: They kept me entertained.

It's ironic that I informed my ill-fated friend that this would be like National Treasure, because it just so happens that the first 20 or so minutes of this movie are identical to National Treasure. The hero goes to remote location to find clue to hidden treasure (in this film, the hidden treasure is the Philosopher's Stone, which can turn lead into gold, along with a lot of other useful powers that go completely unexplained). She then finds a clue to where the treasure is buried, and barely escapes due to an explosion. She then teams up with her comedy relief/geeky buddy to find an invisible series of clues on the back of an ancient stone tablet. Wow. Nicolas Cage would be proud. Anyway, through a series of head-slappingly expository exchanges, generic main character girl figures out that the stone is somewhere in the catacombs of Paris.

This is really a fascinating premise. The catacombs of Paris are insanely cool-- literal walls of bones stacked up beneath one of the world's greatest cities. At this point, I forgave a few of the sins against good dialogue and character development that the movie was committing and simply went with the flow. But once they get down into the caves... trouble starts (as if there was ever any doubt). Within five minutes, they encounter a group of women with their boobs hanging out singing the music of hell in a cavern off to the side. Any sane man would know to get out right then and there. But the characters just laugh it off, saying "Oh yeah, there are always some weirdos down here." After increasingly strange occurrences keep popping up, the characters don't scream "WHAT THE HOLY HELL?!?! LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" They simply whisper "Dafuck?" and move on. Even when they encounter their long-dead compatriot, who has apparently been living in the catacombs for two years, they simply say "Hey man. What's up?" Nobody with the slightest concept of self-preservation would ever make decisions like this. I know that's a given in horror movies nowadays, but it still bears repeating.

Pretty much everything about this movie is either stupid or unintentionally funny, so why didn't I hate it? Well, it has a few legitimately chilling scenes. At one point, characters come across a very small tunnel labelled "Abandon all hope ye who enter here." As they crawl through, the main character mutters "And they would be forced to crawl on their bellies into the kingdom of darkness... shit." I appreciated the little references to actual history as well-- the film's very title comes from a very real concept from ancient times, called As Above/So Below. I guess I'm a sucker for history, but that really rescued the film from being full-on ass. It's just nice to see a horror movie that isn't set in a suburban house every once in a while (fuck you, Paranormal Activity 2). And the ending is really mind-bending and chilling. I won't spoil it, but it really had me going both in terms of spookiness and humorousness. Let's just say that this movie goes full retard at the end, but if it hadn't I would have been disappointed. It was stupid, but uncompromisingly so. And for that, I admired it.

Final Score for As Above/So Below: 4/10 stars. This is the kind of movie I expect to hate, and then see with expectations just low enough that I end up actually enjoying the experience of seeing it. It's really hard to truly judge it-- how does one critique a film that succeeds in its main purpose and yet fails miserably at everything else? It's by no means a quality film, and a lot of the scenes and obvious foreshadowing are enough to make you bust a gut laughing. If you do choose to see this film, here's what I recommend: Bring along some friends (preferably one who doesn't know what he's getting into), some shot glasses, and some hard liquor. Then play a drinking game: Every time a character says either "We have to keep moving," "Let's get out of here," or "We need to press on," drink. In a short amount of time, you will all develop ulcers. But I guarantee that you'll have fun while doing so.