Review of Armored (2009) by Jeff B — 13 Jul 2010

They have grizzled five o'clock shadow that looks like it could cut through sheet metal. They have gravelly voices that sound as whiskey-drenched as Clint Eastwood gargling hollow-point bullets. They have hard-hitting names like "Dobbs," "Quinn," "Hackett," "Cochrane," and "Baines." They are played by Leon, the Professional, Morpheus from The Matrix, and the only member of The Outsiders bad-ass enough to actually do it for Johnny. And so, the question begs this reviewer: With tough guys like this, who needs a good script? All these Armored hot dogs needed was a smart set up and this sawed-off double barrel popcorn maker does just that in under 90 minutes. Granted, moviegoers' brains will be left in a chalk outline but worse heists-gone-wrong have occupied cinema screens.

In this PG-13-rated crime drama, a crew from an armored transport security company (Dilllon, Fishburne, Jean Reno) plan a heist to steal millions from their own firm, only their new partner (Columbus Short) proves reluctant.

Director Nimrod Antal brings the slick filmmaking. And by 'slick,' this reviewer means oily. Quick edits and beautiful steadi-cam shots rue the day. Certainly, the premise proves unique insofar as these insidemen work for a transport security company, but the holes in the story are big enough for an armored truck to drive through. What, were these blue collar rent-a-cops going to hoof it to the same island as Andy and Red from Shawshank Redemption or simply sit at home in their La-Z-Boys with checking accounts chocked to the brim with millions of easily traceable Federal Reserve money?

Bottom Line: Reservoir Dregs.