Review of Armed Response (1986) by Rosco B — 13 Oct 2013

Much forgotten macho action malarkey from the mid-eighties, courtesy of the prolific schlock-meister (and sometime Pro Wrestler!) Fred Olen Ray.

Despite the supremely-evident budget constraints, we have stars David Carradine and Lee Van Cleef ("I'm your Pappy!") as the central father/son duo - forced by Chinatown ne'er-do-wells into the titular (and none-too-reluctant) "Armed Response".

The reliable Mako is the chief baddie (and one of the surge of villainous Japanese characters called 'Tanaka' of the era) and he's helped out in his evil-doing by "The Hills Have Eyes" poster boy, Michael Berryman. Yet even the maniacally bog-eyed Berryman ends up ruing the day he pushed lots of needles into Brent Huff's exposed torso: that's right, his badass bro' Dave Carradine is a Vietnam Veteran with a score to settle. And of course, him and his pisshead Pappy have guns. A lot of big guns.

"Armed Response" gets to its schlocky zenith in a poorly shot 'murder' scene (that always strangely brings Russ Meyer to mind) in the desert featuring a gun-toting blonde and that great B-Movie stalwart, Dick Miller. I'd wager the movie would also form a pretty good drinking game given the amount of time spent in and references to "the bar" from the ever-immaculately mustachioed Mr. Van Cleef.

For those not allergic to meat-headed macho heroics from an era of "Rambo"-esque jingoism, it is worth a blast. The over-riding "You've messed with the wrong family!" motto and undercharacterized Asian villains are unfortunately still alive and well in the recent "Red Dawn" 'reboot' fiasco.

Olen Ray (under a remarkable array of pseudonyms) went on to produce, direct and star in many films with titles like "Scream Queen Hot Tub Party" and "The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad".

N.B. How many genre movies place a hell of a lot of death and carnage on the retaining or recovery of a priceless Jade Statue? Jackal Chan's Jade horse (ha!) in the bizarre "Ninja Thunderbolt" also springs to mind.