Review of Armageddon (1996) by Jarret C — 13 Mar 2016

This movie is a complete travesty. Now, after watching it twice in my life, I've wasted about four hours of my life that are non-refundable. Michael Bay should simply not be allowed to do anything besides jockey grocery bags at Save-a-lot.

It's sorta like someone gave Michael Bay all the ingredients for a great cheesecake, and said "Here's everything you need Michael, just put it together and cook it and it will turn out great.

" But instead, he looked at all the ingredients for a few minutes, made a giant raspberry noise, spit in his palm and smashed the ingredients off the table. Then he walked over to the fridge and took out a block of cheese and a loaf of bread, put the two items on the floor, dropped trou and deuced on em, stomped the cheese with his clod-hoppers, and then put on a dress and squatted on the broadside of a tennis racket.

Then he took the poopy racket, the mushed cheese and the trampled bread and handed it to the public and said "I MADE A CHEESECAKE FOR YOUUU" How do you screw up a great concept, great cast, and infinite budget??? OH I know how, you add 240 excessive explosions, a really annoying Aerosmith song, and put Michael Bay in the directors chair.

Thank God he didn't make me deal with Shia Labouf again. Thank god he didn't cast Steven Tyler for a speaking role. And thank the merciful god above that they won't let him touch any thing else besides the already rotten egg series that is Transformers.

In closing, I hope Michael Bay gets smashed in the face by a damn asteroid.