Review of Are We There Yet? (2005) by Louisa Y — 14 Jan 2010

And just to prove a) why I don?t see movies that "look bad" unless forced to, and b) that I?m not just picking on movies randomly, that there is some basis for my judgements of them, we have Are We There Yet?, an example of pretty much every movie criticism I?ve given thus far. Not only is this film bad, but it a) could have been good, and b) proves what I said about American films in the Spanglish (James L. Brooks, 2004) review: whenever American filmmakers decide to make live action cartoons and call them "comedy" instead of actual movies about real people in America, they fail. Are We There Yet? Is a pretty solid failure, in my book, so we might as well talk about why.

Nick, the good natured owner of a sports collectibles shop falls in love with a gorgeous woman played by Nia Long and decides to get with her. There?s one problem: she violates his rule of dating in that she has two young children. Nick doesn?t do women with kids, but let?s face it, if she looks like Nia Long, you might as well give it a shot, which leads him firmly into the friend zone. To break out of it, he volunteers to drive her children cross country to see their father, and then I guess back to see her (I?ve already forgotten how the plot works, and I saw this film last night. Sheesh), and in the process, these evil kids try to keep him to keep their mother single. With Bebe?s kids in tow, Nick does what he can to win Nia Long?s character?s affections, and that?s pretty much all you need to know.

Let?s talk about what?s good about this movie first: 1) the idea that children don?t want their parents to remarry. I?ve been on both ends of this now, with my father after my mother?s death and myself and my girlfriend?s daughter. There is a great movie to be made about this topic, and I?m sure there has been, although I can?t think of it offhand. Either way, we haven?t seen it in a while, and it would have been nice to see it here, 2) starring Black people. Intelligent, character driven stuff tends to be the domain of whites and white filmmakers, and it would have been so nice to see a film about Black people like this. 3) Ice Cube was playing against his star image, which not only diversifies him somewhat, but could have been interesting in and of itself. I mean, how does a guy like Ice Cube?s star image deal with so personal and delicate a problem? That could have been a great film, particularly when Nia Long?s character was clearly intelligent and successful, while Nick was a small business owner, but nonetheless not a professional. Like Spanglish, it wouldn't even have to be a drama either ? you can get a great comedy like this if you really work at it. Albert Brooks would have knocked it out of the park if he was Black. And 4) Ice Cube and Matt Alvarez produced this, so you?d think they would have gone there.

But they don?t. Instead, you get a movie with all kinds of wild takes, a deer attack, the children doing things that could seriously maim somebody, thousands of dollars worth of damage to a very expensive car, a talking bobble head of Satchel Page, a kid punching an adult in the face, and Nick inexplicably expecting two children to jump off of a moving train. They themselves question that last one, but are such weird kids to begin with, you wonder why they develop sense only in that scene. There are some references to being ghetto and being well off and Black, but nothing substantial is done with it, and for some stupid reason, Nick has a token white friend played by Jay Mohr, in a universe where everybody is Black and everybody everybody knows is Black except the villains. The directorial range consists of an almost fetishization of Nick?s rims, which are spinning in nearly every shot of the car. And it follows one of Siskel & Ebert?s glossary rules about how a beautiful car introduced in the first act of a film will invariably be destroyed. There?s nothing clever or original in here, despite many opportunities for that, and so the movie is ultimately a pointless series of cliches that just ain?t funny. Hard to watch at any age.

Two movies come to mind in reviewing this film: Attack of the Clones (George Lucas, 2002), and Bebe?s Kids (1992, Bruce W. Smith?! I always thought that was Reggie Hudlin! See, there's a reason why I always put the director's name down! Wink. I?m reminded of Attack of the Clones because it?s the worst movie I?ve ever seen by virtue of the fact that it blew many opportunities to be the best. Bebe?s Kids is almost the exact same film as this one, with a character based on Robyn Harris rather than Ice Cube. What?s the difference? Bebe?s Kids is actually funny. Why?

It?s an animated cartoon musical.