Review of Any Given Sunday (1999) by The W — 25 Mar 2011

Let's get one thing straight: it's been too long since I wrote a review. You know it. I know it, hell, even Randy Gonzales knows it, but I've been so busy with work and what-not that I've been waking up at 4-30 am, coming home at 7 pm and going straight to sleep in order to wake up the next day at fucking 4-30 again. I try to stay somewhat in touch with RT by commenting on articles from my phone (HTC Android cos fuck Apple), but it's impossible to write a review using that Qwerty keyboard thing that is the most uncomfortable contraption this side of Virtual Boy and the iPad (TWO Apple digs AND a Nintendo diss in one sentence, shit, I'm on a roll, baby *Laugh Card*). Oh and big upps if you caught that Randy Gonzales reference!

Anyway, this is a movie that I, by all semblance of logic and common sense, should hate. But I don't, in fact I love it, and it baffles even me that I do because, brace for it, my American friends - I don't like Armpit Ball (though it does amuse me that it's abbreviation is NFL, which is nothing like APB, though I have an idea what it stands for: Not Football Lol! Haha, ZING! - No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, [*Editor's note - He's not kidding]* we all love different sports, I just happen to be of the Eastern European variety of homosapien, so my love goes out to Football (the real one - again, I joke *Editor's note - he's not*), Tennis, Hockey and MMA. Goddamn that Bones Jones making Shogun look like an amateur! I used to love Boxing but it's kinda hard to get into it nowadays without anyone in that sport that is even a little bit interesting).

But there it is, I love this film, it's the only Oliver Stone movie worth a shit. Oh and I know, I know: "Bla bla bla Natural Born Killers bla bla bla Tommy Lee Jones Woody Harrelson bla bla bla". Fuck you, stop putting words in my mouth, (that is reserved for other- no it's not... but I guess that depends on what it is exactly (it's not cock), I mean, panties - sure, although, I can only face the cold hard facts that, with me sitting in front of my laptop, no one is throwing panties at me. That is reserved for rappers... so in other words: my other job. I do actually rap and have done many shows in Russia, even garnered a groupie or two, albeit that happens after the fact - no one throws panties on stage, which in reality is both a good AND a bad thing - depending on how you look at it. I mean, there are a number of variables to take into consideration, including, but not limited to: who the woman is - what day of "the cycle" she's on, whether or not she maintains a decent hygiene level etc... Wait, that's pretty messed up, but you know what's more fucked up? What's happening in Japan. Personally, I'm just waiting for Godzilla to appear in home videos HAHA! No, that's not even funny. Seriously, those jokes have to wait at least another week before they switch categories from "too soon" to "current". This peanut butter sandwich that I'm eating right now is good though, so I hope that counts for something. At least I hope it stops me from being considered an asshole, because we all know that assholes are allergic to peanut butter. Oh wait, that doesn't bring about the best imagery... I don't want this fucking sandwich any more), I can resist you, I have the technology. Though maybe not, since I was only able to change the words you wanted me to say into "Bla bla bla", wait, nevermind, that's exactly what the word "resist" implies. It's not complete avoidance, that's why we have different words, kids.

But anyway, let me try to reign this train back on its tracks after it completely and utterly derailed and ran through a small African village. Don't worry, we all know what Africa's like, so there were only a few casualties but many chickens became train kill. And yes, I'm allowed to make jokes about Africa because I'm from there. My childhood was spread pretty evenly between Russia and SA, obviously, since English doesn't really exist in Russia. I mean, it's available for those that wanna learn it, but it's kinda like Milton - no one gives a crap about it. And I just wasted another paragraph on needless metaphors under the pretension of getting back to the point, so nothing new there.

Let's try this again - I love this movie because of the performances, Al Pacino wasn't really a parody of himself yet, that's all post-Insomnia, and the supporting cast is so good that even the presence of Cameron My-Head-Looks-Like-a-Smiley Diaz couldn't ruin it, though you better believe that she tried her darnest, bless her black heart. With that tough demeanor and potty mouth...as much as I love dirty talk, it still doesn't change the fact that she CAN'T FUCKING ACT. It centers on Pacino, the coach of the Sharks (an Armpit Ball team) who is trying to... but whatever, the story isn't even that interesting. It's typical sports movie hoopla - losing team gets on a winning streak, new player, egos, bla bla, they win. You know what is interesting? James Woods (the team-doctor) - that guy is so fucking greasy that you can use his sweat for frying chips, it's a shame he's only in a small part of the movie, I love the presence Woods brings to the screen in every role he portrays - that guy chews scenery like Gary Oldman. In fact, that's the reason why they never appeared in a movie together - between the two of them there wouldn't be any film left. I also really dug Freezing K, Fox News and Quad-Core 6600 2.4 GHz.

The editing is fantastic, but all Stone films have incredible cuts and transitions so it's nothing new, although it works infinitely better in this context than it does with, say, NBK. This is because the sport itself is frantic and kinetic, so the editing techniques serve as an extension, and not a detraction, to the story, something which is not true of Stone's other movies. The sound, lighting and music is perfectly crafted to immerse the viewer into the experience, keeping tension high despite the fact that everyone can guess where the story is going and how it's going to end.

And that is my main problem with Any Given Sunday: for all its glitz, "edginess", loudness and frenetic pacing, it's also undeniably predictable and doesn't stray from the tried and true "underdog" formula, and I mean at all. In fact, when you remove the fat, ergo everything in the film that is not vital to the overall story arc, you are left with an extremely linear, bare-boned and generic sports movie that is coated with three layers of metallic paint and rocking some 18" alloys in order to appeal to the popular crowd (hey, it's kinda like this review!). However, I believe this is precisely the reason why it works - you shouldn't watch AGS for the story, you watch it for the sub-plots, the character interactions and all the little moments that Stone's project basically entirely consists of (kinda like you don't read my reviews for the reviews, but for the little random commentaries I make) - remember the eyeball? Implausible but still awesome. Just like the movie.

But I think the real reason why I like Sunday is because this is the only piece of medium that made the NFL look fun, and this is not a dig at fans of the sport, it's just, like I explained, it doesn't personally interest me, so I think it's an incredible feat that this flick made a believer out of me, if only for two hours.

Overall, it's a very solid, albeit predictable sports movie (but what isn't? You can't very well have the team embarrassingly lose at the end, can you? Although I'd personally love to see something like that, with the moral at the end being: Dreams only come true when you're asleep, so stay in school, kids! Fuck me, I'd love to see that!) that perfectly captures the essence of the singular sport it portrays, I'd go so far as to say that it makes it better because it's like 2 hours of highlights with all the boring tussling and huddling cut out. It's got some very interesting sub-plots dealing with the politics behind the scenes and it also provides some surprisingly well rounded characters whose motivations for doing what they do is made resoundingly clear and concise. If you haven't seen this yet, give it a shot, just don't pay much attention to the main story arc, instead focus on the little details and you'll be surprised at how well the movie works as a sequence of events tied together by the common job occupation of its main characters.

Sorry if the review is a little rough, and I can tell that it's a little rough and abrupt, but, like I said, I just got back from work and I'm stone tired (I work construction btw - it was fucking raining and cold. The previous two days were hot as hell so, of course, I left my water-proof jacket at home. Ah, Murphy, I hate you). Hopefully I'll take some days off in the future when I've saved up enough and write something half-way decent, maybe even spend more than 10 minutes writing it. You never know, stranger things have happened...

Thanks for reading! Please comment\troll and don't forget to thumb up/down depending on whether you're an ass or not (haha, no I'm joking, for realsies this time *Editor's note - He really is, I know, I couldn't believe it either!*) and hopefully you have had a better day than I have.

That's all, folks!

PS - About 4 months ago I promised that I'll get to everyone's reviews, and then I did about 300 of them and stopped due to the work thing. Rest assured, I will still get to them (eventually), I love reading what you guys and gals write!